Plain sight

Still disentangling these two thoughts:

"You are good."

and

"You are mine."

I mean firstly you weren't really mine at all, not yet.

But just because you aren't mine, doesn't mean you aren't good.

And just because you are good, doesn't mean you must be mine.

Amazing how one can plod laboriously down a misty, tangled forest path
Only to suddenly emerge into a plain
And see clearly, almost as if for the first time.

Thank You, God.

It's been a long time.

It's always good to retrospect and see what lessons you've learned, or which ones you thought you learned then but have so much more to teach you.

I need to read my older entries again, especially those when I was learning and growing and sharing. I need to discover again how to use my talents for God.

Well, these few months have been good. Specifically, God has been good.

I have healed more than I did before. Oh, make no mistake, I know the wound's still there. But having seen how much I've healed in so short a time, how could I possibly doubt God's ability to heal me completely? :)

Read your explanation again, and I think I can better see your trajectory now. I couldn't back then - the shock and the hurt were too much.

I'll try to summarise: Basically you
were unprepared when we began our relationship, 
had struggles with meeting expectations,
wanted to end harmful ways of relating,
did not deal thoroughly with issues that bothered you,
did not raise up when these issues became overwhelming,
was not fulfilled in the relationship,
could not see us together for life,
overidealised both me and the relationship, 
no longer have feelings for me.

I guess when I put it that way, I could see why you chose to break up with me.

Of course, my experience of our relationship was different. I
went into our relationship with much caution,
did not struggle as much with meeting expectations,
also wanted to end harmful ways of relating but in a less drastic manner,
dealt with issues whenever they arose,
learnt to accept issues that did not seem solvable at that point,
was fulfilled in the relationship (mostly),
had no problems seeing us together for life,
saw your flaws and loved you still (though possibly did not realise the full impact of the flaws)
continue to have feelings for you, even now.

But those parts of your answer that I bolded are things I need to remember.

Because for a long time, I always wondered: "Shouldn't love be able to look past the flaws?" And it's only now that I realise, perhaps you didn't really love me after all.

That may sound hurtful but I don't intend for it to be. But it's quite a real possibility. You may have thought you did at the time, and I certainly thought you did at the time, but maybe at that point in time your understanding of love was different.

And so, why should I be upset that your understanding of love has grown? I should rather be glad that you have matured, that you don't want to give me a poor substitute of love if you don't really love me.

And it surprises me, yet again, how freeing this realisation feels. I thought it would be devastating, and maybe it would have been, if I had had it a few months ago. But right now it's a bit like the lightbulb in my head growing a little brighter.

Oh, I won't fool myself. There will be times, even if not now, when the realisation will return and I will mourn again that you don't love me, maybe never really did in the way a husband and wife is meant to. But for now, my heart is just that bit lighter. For now, I can enjoy the metaphorical feeling of the wind in my hair :)

Dear God, thank You for this gift. Dear God, You are good :)

Surprised

This... this defies all logic.

I thought when I broke down (figuratively), the fallout would be disastrous.

Nothing of the sort.

Instead, I felt peace - different, comforting.

I questioned myself - is this merely fake "peace" from not struggling with something you ought to struggle with? I've seen that enough to be wary of it.

But all that has happened so far seems to prove me wrong.

What I thought would never happen, or would take a long time to happen, happened. And I had confirmation of it.

Maybe it really was time after all.

Mine not to question why, but to be grateful and to keep my eyes on the prize.

Thank you.

Feel like singing now.

Give me Your desire

Weakening

Should I open the floodgates again?

What exactly am I hoping for?

If I just could know
Exactly what is going on in your mind.

Maybe I'd better hold back still.

After all
If you really wanted to talk to me
You would contact me of your own accord.

...right?

I must stop all these hopeful speculations

You have a new life now

And I have to stop reading too much into the tiniest of coincidences.

And I wish you health and happiness
In Him.

Rough

That was... unexpected.

Will not read too much into it.

I need resolve.

SYWHL

http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/2013/02/04/watch-this-amazing-12-year-old-launch-a-hello-kitty-into-space/

More stuff you would've liked.

Oh well.

Release

Regrets pile, once again.

I hope one of your friends will let you know
About the A-Team and Dragonball shows

Just in case you would like to watch them
And I can rest from thinking of you each time I glimpse their trailers.

It's going to be a long, long road,
But I've made some steps down it already
And God has been with me every step
And will be here for every new, painful step I take.

Release

Cut the cord

So the ground shifts again
And I've done something
I never thought I would do.

I regretted it almost immediately
But I'll stay the course

Believing this will help us
In the end.

Continuing to fix my eyes on Jesus
The Author and Perfecter of my faith
I put aside, for now
This burden of still loving you
When you no longer love me.

And maybe someday in the future
I may turn back, and be surprised

Either to find you with open arms, smiling
Like I'd dreamed a million times

Or to find the burden gone
Melted away while I wasn't looking
Drained quietly from the shrinking hole
In my heart.

Wherever you go, whatever you do
I wish you well.

I can be free
I can be free from this place
Beautiful Healer
Beautiful grace
Help me to see
Everything fall into place
Wake me from dreaming
No more deceiving
Break these chains
~Corrinne May, "Free"

Testing 1-2-3

Realising with sudden clarity
That it isn't only me who can't let go
But it's you, too.

And such irony -
The one thing that tells me that
Is the one thing you thought would release me
But rather holds us both, like a lynch pin
To something in the past
Not yet done.

Maybe you don't yet realise, but I do
Maybe, like our mutual friend, you will take years to realise
The trajectory might differ,
But "all roads lead to Rome".

Well, it is not for me to intervene
I learnt that long ago
But to wait and heal and laugh and learn
And grow.

And every now and then I test
To see how much I've grown
And in the same test I can see
How much you have.

I cannot watch your growth unfold
So the day that one thing changes

I'll know

You've grown
And have truly
Let go.