Resolve

Conflicting thoughts early in the morning;
Thank God for the stabilising influence of His Word and Spirit.
(Relishing the last day of less-crowded rides to work - eeks.)

I may never receive full satisfaction 'til I die
But I will not die before God deems me fit to return.
Satan, I won't let you get at me that way anymore.

Like an impatient child testing a cake
I prod the surface of my heart every so often
Feeling the slow-filling firmness
Looking forward to the day it will be whole again.

Satan, I won't let you get at me that way anymore.

Fly

Shocked that it hurt
(Such a small it to be hurt about, really.)

Why could I not have been happy for him, instead?

Perhaps this is really for the best.

"Fly high and proud
And if you should fall
Remember you almost had it all"

Where are they from?

I thought I was finally, with God's magnificent grace and provision, moving on.

I thought I was finally healing, enough to live and laugh and, in future, maybe even love again.

Why this sudden dream of you?

Perhaps it is the subconscious speaking, not necessarily God or even the devil.

But over and over, it happens. Just when I have made up my mind or my heart to let you go, a dream comes of our reconciliation.

Of you pursuing, wanting me back again.
Of me wanting to be reconciled, but holding back in fear of being hurt again.
Of reassurance from family members that us reconciling is fine with them.
Of me slowly allowing myself to lean towards reconciliation.

And it is always at that point that I awake.

I don't know what to think, but I will not let this distract me. I will continue to lay it, and my desires, before the Lord.

One thing the trainer said a couple of days ago struck me. The Holy Spirit may have given us a word about somebody else, but we also have to watch the timing of when we share it.

I don't even know if this is from the Lord... regardless, I will wait. I am terrified nowadays of moving before the Lord speaks.

I want to be as obedient to Him as I possibly can.

Making God happy - "The joy of the Lord is my strength"...

Be happy.

Thank You, God, for my job. If for no other reason than the fact that You have placed me in a position to constantly hear Your Word exactly when I need it.

Thank You for speaking to me that night, and the next day, and fortifying me to continue living for You. What obstacles do I face that can compare to what those others faced?

Thank You for continuing to provide for me.

God, ever since I said I would try not to message him anymore, he seems happier, more interactive with others.

I am glad that he's happy.

Even if it hurts deep inside.

Please keep him happy in You.

Struggle

Why do I still struggle?

Or is it that I am too impatient to wait for the growth You promised?

Dear Lord, today was bad.

Couldn't focus, didn't get much done, succumbed to the least of the self-destructive behaviours that were threatening. Did finally give in to slapping myself, but it didn't seem to affect either way.

Felt on the verge of breakdown.

Please help, I'm not sure how much longer I can go on anymore in this bleakness of mind.

"How can you just turn and walk away?"

Can you not see my pain?

(How could you? You don't even want to see me anymore.)

I don't know what I want anymore.

Dear God, please guard my mind from rehashing the suicide plans. I have been running away from them all afternoon, and I'm nearing exhaustion.

Please...

Spilled

Reminder: What does it mean to love? What would be words that are "good" in this context?

I guess what sparked this off was realising that you answer to some messages and not others. Trying to figure out which messages you respond to and why you don't respond to the rest.

Is it because they remind you of the past?

I went back and reread my post about the Epiphany I received. This additional piece of information seems to gel with that.

So I must go back to my resolve then. Not to remind you of things in the past, before you are ready for them.

Maybe, at this point in time, you just want (and need?) to live in the moment.

It won't be healthy on a long-term basis, but it's just for this period of time until you are less busy and can afford the space to think about things again.

(Again, a wrench - remembering that you broke up with me partly because you "need the space" but still have your time filled up with other things. I hope that was not your way of showing me how you felt to be neglected for ministry, like at the fellowship lunch. If you had only told me your needs, I would have paid attention to them.

Again, maybe this is your need - to have the "space" from reminders of the past and to live in the present until something subsides. What is it that you are waiting for to subside? If it is pain, for whatever reason, I pray that your pain will subside quickly. If it is your longing for our relationship, why? I'm sorry, I still cannot pray for that to subside :'( I have tried to pray it for myself, and failed.)

Anyway, I guess I should not send you the link I was thinking about sending, because it would have reminded you of the past. Instead, I'll paste it here: http://cairnhill.wordpress.com/2012/11/10/most-delightful-moments-twc-daily-devotional-20121110/

I thought I had found someone with the same passion for God, the same concern for building up those who are younger in the faith, the same dream of using songs to speak to God's people. I am grateful for your partnership in ministry all these years - in Yaf, in YM, in songwriting. I am sad that you no longer see me as a good partner for ministry. But I am glad that you are still devoting yourself to God's ministry. I hope you are not exhausting yourself though.

May you draw from His strength as you serve, and may God work in you as He works through you.

I still pray for your family. I will continue to do so.

More thoughts

Hmm. Some new things to think about.

Thank you for the chat. It was good to feel your concern for me again, a concern born not out of the situation, but just as friends do.

Yesterday you said you "had been learning" that we are always exactly where God wants us to be, and trust that God will bring the best out of the situation and strengthen us. You shared it with me, hoping it would help me find peace in God.

The question that has been lingering in my head today is: "So how does this apply to you?"

I was reminded, through a FB post, that changing you is none of my business but God's. But it's a valid question, isn't it? Did you trust that you were exactly where God wanted you to be, before the breakup? Exactly in the relationship, church, cell group that He had placed you in?

Just a few weeks before, you had expressed gratitude to the church for being your family when you needed it. Did you really mean it?

And, as you yourself recognised (I hope), saying this doesn't make it ok to make any decision without seeking God first. You know very well how easy it is to rationalise "if God doesn't want us to be here / do this, He would've stopped us". God still allows us to make decisions within His will, and there are evidently decisions that He would prefer. The only way to know is to seek Him and wait for His answer.

And so, I still don't think this is something I should just accept, until you and I have both received firm answers from God. But well, maybe it's something you have already accepted. I don't know.

Yet, today I found myself thinking about the ungrateful servant. How the master forgave the servant's debt - forgave it completely! - without asking him to repay it when he could. I mean he could have just gone "Ok fine, I won't throw you into jail, but you still pay me back when you can ok."

And I was led to think about my request for a time to talk it through, and your (possibly unwilling?) acquiescence. Shouldn't I forgive you without insisting that you "pay your debt" of explaining and understanding first? After all, God has already forgiven even the sins I was not aware of committing. Shouldn't I extend you the same grace?

Yet at the same time, I am aware that actions and decisions have consequences, and like nail holes in the fence, do not simply go away. And I have felt all along that the consequences of your decision and actions in breaking up have fallen squarely on me. Were you aware? Did I miss your attempts to make amends?

So, Lord, how do I hold these in tension? My pain will not magically disappear just because I now realise I should forgive him just because You forgave me much more. Yet what does it mean to forgive? Doesn't that mean giving up the right to justice, to answers?

I don't know. I am going to talk to some mentors about this.

But I thank You, once again, for holding me - even yesterday afternoon when the pain got intense and I was afraid I was going crazy. Thank You for the opportunity to cry and to scream with no one around. Please guard my heart and mind with Your peace, Lord Jesus.

And please, guard his too.

Thank You.

Stronger

Yesterday was a good day.

Oh, how I wish you would take the steps that could help you... But if I were to tell you about them, it might push you further from getting help.

So I remain in silence, longing for you to be healed. Even if you never come back to me.

I know God will heal you in His time. I know He will bring you to the help that you need, when you are ready for it.

I am thankful that He walks with me everyday, brings me surprises when I least expect them.

As it turns out, your actions were not uncharacteristic, at least not from the perspective of Myers Briggs. (That's one area a friend trained in counselling can really help - finding explanations for behaviour that make sense.)

But now I'm ever more certain (and have a second opinion) that you are struggling with something deep, something you need to settle, some demon eating you up within.

And it seems likely that it has nothing to do with me or the relationship, else you would have been able to give an answer when questioned.

But if I were to approach you with this (probable) explanation now, you'd shrink away and go further into destructive thoughts/behaviour, because you're not ready to share.

So I must resist. Like that superhero show. To withhold myself from you so that you can get stronger, heal.

Does this hint that we will never come back together again? I don't know. But it definitely helps me to strive less, now. Because all along I have wanted what's best for you, but I never knew what you were struggling with, so I couldn't figure out how I could best contribute - withdraw or persevere? Support or withhold?

With this, I at least have an idea of what you need and how best to respond. And though I always knew that God knows best, now I can connect the dots - and that definitely helps me to let go of the situation.

But I really wish you would tell me whether I am bothering you with my little messages. I really don't want to, but I can't help seeing things that you might like or that might help you, and wanting to share them.

I will take my friend's advice and pray about each time I feel that way, to see what God would have me do. And if He says "do", then I will, trusting that He has a plan to work through that even if I am hurt by your silence or non-response.

And if He says "don't", I won't, because I know He knows best. ("I know that you know that He knows that I know that..." lol)

Oh, and thank You God... For that reassurance. All this while I have thought of myself as weak. But yesterday, that friend told me that he saw me as strong. That I wasn't crumbling with emotion even as I talked to him. That he wouldn't have been able to tell what was going on in my life, wouldn't have been able to tell that I had suicidal thoughts, if I didn't tell him. And he encouraged me by saying I will come out of this stronger, based on these things he saw of me.

And he reminded me that this strength and confidence comes from You. So thank You, Lord :)

And may You please bring this strength and peace to him, too, as he seeks to find himself and quell the doubts and demons in his heart. Thank You :)

Takes a spark

Lunchtime tends to bring good things, even if my appetite wasn't restored by the walk to the canteen.

I really shouldn't put off lunch the way I do.

Thank You, God, for reminding me of the people who stand ready to hear me out, to support me through this. That give me new perspective and help me to take my eyes off my pain and fix them on You.

Thank You for reminding me that love hopes and endures all things. (ALL things.) If, in my mind, I can endure neglect and beatings and abandonment and betrayal, why should not I bear with a request for space? (Of course, in those I always knew the ending. But the point still stands - my ending is with God, hence it WILL be a happy ending.)

I still don't have the answers I am looking for. But the striving has eased, once again.

Now, back to being productive... I hope.

Floundering once more.

I really should stop myself from reading depressive stuff. It definitely hasn't helped.

But I am weak... Oh so weak.

It hurts me very much that you could not see us together for life. Are we really that different?

My defenses come up to cry that a lot of this was in your head, if you had spoken to me we could have clarified things, perhaps it wasn't really true. But now, I won't know. And I might never know. And I really, really wish I could know. Please, won't you talk to me freely again?

Maybe you are afraid you would have to take back some of your words if we did. And we both know we are both stubborn. But compromise can be found. We've proved that before. Won't you give us a chance to prove that again?

Tell me what is it you really want. Please think it out, and see if it's realistic. Or is that you yourself don't know it, either?

I don't understand how something so sweet, that helped each other grow so much, could have been something you don't want, couldn't live with for life. Sure, it had flaws, like every human that ever lived. And at least on my part, I had become rather complacent/lazy about growing for some time. But how could you have just dumped it like that?? Without even a notification of "Something's wrong, let's try again"???

It really hurts that you could let go of your feelings for me. "How??" is the big question I want to ask. How did you "make adjustments"? What changes have you been making? Have you really dealt with all this or just buried it by not meeting me, not meeting any of the people who know us both?

Logically, as I thought out a couple of posts ago, I think you just took steps to give yourself the time and space you feel you need at this time. So, it is just possible that you might not actually have meant some of the stuff you said. But knowing you, that is unlikely, especially seeing as how you have been editing that email over and over again.

Maybe the answer is a hybrid. The self-search provided the urgency. There were definitely issues that you felt strongly about, valid ones which should have been taken into consideration. But if not for the urgency, maybe you would have taken time to work them out with me. Maybe. Maybe I would have been given a chance to change and have really put effort into it.

So now, what I am waiting on is the confirmation of the reason behind the urgency. But I have not dared to broach it to you yet.

And clarification on the issues - which ones were real? Which ones were perhaps a trick of the perception? If you don't clarify, how am I to know which are real issues that I can work on changing? But you have chosen not to respond to these - maybe you forgot, but I don't know.

And after these are settled - what then? If my surmise about your underlying motivation is right, I know how to react at least. When I get clarification on the issues that were real, I can work on changing, on growing. Both of these mean that I will leave you alone.

But deep down inside, I really want you back. And that is the bit of me dissolving into tears that gush from my eyes, every so often, and will do so for the forseeable future.

Why is it so hard for me to forget you? Is it because I was obsessed with you? I keep questioning myself about that, and yet I can't say that's true. But yet, I know I was not centrally focused on God. Maybe, I was just too focused on taking life easy, and had neglected both God and you in the meantime.

It's hard for me to give up because I had invested so much into the relationship. I'm sorry for having taken things a bit too easy recently. But you have always been good for me. Helping me grow, prodding me to be more disciplined. If I had listened to you more/earlier, would things have turned out different?

Regret, self-blame. Are these from the devil? Did he put any thoughts, doubts into your head? Was he the one that told you to keep mum all these months, so that the doubts could grow and intensify?

I DON'T KNOW!! *cries* And it sucks that I probably never will.

I still don't take back what I said when we first started out. I loved you because of your heart for God. I loved you because you were you; because you were conscientious and gentle and intelligent and humorous and loving and charming and righteous. And I still do, even if you don't know who you are right now. Even if your flaws hurt me and scared me at times (e.g. I'm still scared of your anger. But I have faith in God to bring you to Christlikeness in that area.), I still loved you and was willing to support you in prayer, in presence, in love.

I still stand ready to do that. Won't you accept my support and love?

Dear God, please speak to me. As OC shared, please tell me whether I should accept this test or continue praying for a miracle. If my question is wrong, please teach me the right question to ask. And then, please answer it so clearly that I would have NO reason to doubt what You spoke, and can follow it with all my heart. Please...

In Tension

1) Since God allowed it to happen, He has plans for how this will be for our good. He continues to be all we need and wants us to focus on Him.

2) What you did to me was unjustified and will require a settlement someday. (There possibly is also stuff I did to you that was unjustified and will require a settlement; but if you don't tell me I wouldn't know.)

3) I think you may be facing major issues that you need time and space to work out. (I'm not sure, but I think so.) You may need support for these, but you have rejected my support. So perhaps I can best support you by praying for you and not disturbing you.

4) Nobody can force you to do what you don't want to do. Even if every word from my mouth/fingers hits home and is true, if your heart is set on moving on despite the uncertainty of issues, despite the lack of clarification and unjustified action, nobody can turn you from that course except God.

Now, dear Lord, how do I hold all these in tension? It's difficult, but if all of these are really true, I will try.

I really will try.

I wish I had asked for a hug that day.

EPIPHANY

Some things just occurred to me.

See, maybe what really happened is that you need time to figure yourself out.

After all, I don't know what issues you had to consider.

You needed time, and space.

And so you cut me off, because you needed to stop me from being a constant reminder to you of who you were, or who you are supposed to be. I wasn't doing it consciously, but I was nonetheless a reminder - the closest one to you (that you could cut off - family can't be).

You wanted to figure it out yourself.

And although the process was careless, it was not callous (or at least not meant to be).

Is that the reason? Is that why you found it so easy to let go of your feelings for me? Because you were preoccupied with something else - something greater - a bigger project - working out who you really were?

Because who you really are will impact our relationship. It might change our dynamics. It might change how we relate to each other.

That's not to say it isn't possible to do so while we're still in a relationship. In fact, I would have at least attempted to give it a try if you had told me so from the start.

But maybe, this is a truth that you yourself didn't fully understand. And so this was the only way you could see to do it at that point in time.

And that's why you couldn't fully verbalise the reasons you wanted this in the first place. It's not because of some huge flaw on your or my part. It's because you had, along the way, lost your conception of who you really were. And you needed to find it again, otherwise a relationship built with one shaky pillar would not last.

And so what I need to do in this period of time is help you by not remaining a reminder of the things that you aren't sure are you. To give you space to work things out.

To not ask for a commitment that you can't give at the moment, because you don't know who you are, and if you don't know who you are, you don't know whether you can commit.

So you don't despise anything in the past (except that one thing we both regret). You don't have a flawed understanding of relationships, of who we are, of how we got along together.

This is just something you need to do.

And after it all, we may come back together, we may not. It depends on the trajectories God will lead both of us on.

But you will be more sure of who you are. And with that new surety, you will be able to make decisions and commitments with confidence.

Wow. This is like... a Revelation. An Epiphany. And somehow, very freeing.

I'm not sure why, when it just increases the possibility that you may not come back to me.

But maybe I have peace now, because I found an explanation that fits all the facts.

Just like when SL helped me understand that I was asking the wrong question to God's answers to me.

This understanding of "Everything fits now".

It even fits the Bible verses God gave me! God DID bring me back to the land of peace, of understanding.

This... this is good.

Thank You, God.

I don't know whether I should email him to tell him this. Will it help? Maybe it will. But it wouldn't do to do it on impulse.

I'll sit on it for awhile first. Talk it out with a few people. See if it makes sense.

See if it lasts.

But wow... what a change... within a few minutes.

Thank You, Lord. You always know exactly what I need, when I need it :') <3

Heart words

One of the things that really hurt me:

That you seemed to have moved on even before we actually broke up.

I think the break-up happened in your mind even before I even had the tiniest hint about it.

Is that fair?

They say it's easier to live if you learn to accept an apology you never got.

But even if I got the apology I'm looking for, would it help?

I know, we can't rewind time and start the process again, this time with more information symmetry.

But I still wish you would talk to me.

Clear things up.

Admit that some of the issues may not have been what you thought.

Work things out.

And then what?

Of course, my heart yearns for us to be reunited.

But even if we did, I would have no peace until we each got a firm answer from God.

And it makes no sense to reunite if the answer comes that we'll have to part.

So I'll keep seeking, keep listening.

And in the meantime I keep from foisting myself on you. I keep myself from asking for the answers I deserve, even though I think you would no longer withhold them from me.

I keep from asking you whether you can reconsider this. But I hope, someday, to be able to ask it with confidence.

And I hope, someday, you will say the words I've been longing to hear.

God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, this is what I'm aching for
God, You know, I just can't see beyond the door...

God, please hold me in Your hands.

Teach me to dance to the beat of Your heart

Thank You, God. For:

- Soothing me and helping me focus on other things.

- Showing me that maybe, just maybe, things are not so bad.

- Helping me not get sick from the junk I ate.

- Inspiring me to work for Your kingdom again.

Despite what people say, I still think I may remain broken for the rest of my life. But we shall see. I trust that the Lord has plans for me.

One thing I just thought of, though.

What really happened was that before the breakup, he had been trying to clap with one hand, and of course he failed because I didn't even know what was going on.

But now, our positions are reversed. I am the one trying to clap with one hand, while he has chosen not to try anymore.

That's why I have stopped trying to clap. But in my mind and heart, the beat goes on.

And if you know me, it will go on for a very long time.

Broken again, I can't pretend

At first, I thought today would be bad.

Then in the past few days, I thought "I think I'm getting better. Maybe it will be alright after all."

I told myself to treat it like any other day. That it has no more significance. That I should spend it thinking about God like I have been the other days.

I thought that would help.

I was wrong. I am in floods of tears.

Jesus, please give me strength. Not just for today, but the rest of my life.

But for today, I just need my daily bread. Please.

知足 - 五月天

"为了你而祈祷而祝福而感动"

Soothed

"O, how I love Jesus
O, how I love Jesus
O, how I love Jesus
Because He first loved me!"
:D

Good songs need not be complicated.
The rhythm of this song calms me (or it could be my unconscious habit of swaying to it).

Peace, for at least this period of time :)
Thanks to God's Word, God's touch.

Healing is possible if I keep my eyes on God :)

Leg of the journey

Though the ground has been cut
From under my feet
Yet when I fall
I will fall on my knees

Cold again

Did you do it on purpose?

At least today is a much stronger day. Pretty sure my physical state has something to do with it.

"Never gonna give you up"
- at least, unless God tells me to (clearly).

Endurance

Wailing in my head

I have spent the whole afternoon battling my own thoughts and feelings, wishing I could cry my heart out and be done with it.

This troublesome heart that has experienced so much love, but also so much pain.

Father, please hold me. I can't carry on anymore.

Why?

Closure

I see I jumped to a conclusion too quickly. When will I learn that he does not have such negative feelings towards me? He has been reassuring me again and again.

Perhaps it helped that he finally sent the email. And I finally know what he has been thinking, that it is not because of some huge fault on either of our behalfs, that he really does care instead of being resentful or irritated towards me.

But I really wish he had talked it all out with me. I really wish he had given me a chance to respond, given us a chance to change, given us a chance to pray over it and be sure of God's leading for us. Maybe things would have turned out different, or maybe not. But it sure would have helped me move on and not cling on in bewilderment.

Well, now I know. And I thank God for keeping me calm. I hope this will last - dear God, please help me to trust You with my future.

He said he has been letting me go, and I can't ask him to stop that or reverse it. I will just have to accept it.

But I don't think I'm ready to move on, not just yet. I don't feel strongly about it at this point in time, but I still feel our relationship should not have ended. Still, there's nothing I can do. As Mum & Dad said, no point holding on when one party does not want to continue.

But God, You said I should "in everything, present your requests before God". Can I please request that You show me clearly whether or not he is the life partner You have chosen for me? Circumstantially, because he has chosen to move on, it certainly seems that the answer is "no". But You know my heart's desire is to be reunited with him. And I need Your answer before I can obey it with all my heart.

Thank You for this opportunity to refocus my life on You. I do see how much I have grown through this painful episode. Maybe it will be a painful reality for the rest of my life - I don't know. But I do know now that however long it takes, I will wait for Your answer. I won't rush into things. I will follow the Shepherd of my soul.

Dear God, please grant that my broken heart will heal.

A second reminder, though I don't think I need it quite as much now.

Romans 14:7-8 "For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord."

A helpful verse.

Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."

Help me trust in You, Lord. 

Another reminder

Do not touch your cheeks

Until you can stop the desire to slap them or dig your nails into them.

"We do not harm our own body"

Catharsis

Yesterday was horrible.

It's not that I didn't know all the right things; the messages from God, the willingness of people to hear me out.

But I selfishly didn't want to turn to them because I wanted to hurt, to destroy myself. So if anything had happened, it wouldn't have been their fault. It would have been mine.

It's a wonder I managed to sleep last night. But then again, I was tired. Perhaps sleep deprivation didn't help.

I suppose, neither would PMS help. Strange that I am giving you more grief during my PMS after we broke up rather than before. Oh well.

But God is gracious, oh so gracious.

So odd. I was challenging God to say something to me to stop me from killing myself. But instead of addressing that (which I would have thought quite urgent), He addressed it in other ways, speaking to my needs.

First, the lift home that ensured I didn't give in to the temptation to do anything to myself. I suppose I could've said something else, but thank God for bringing me home safe.

Even there I wasn't safe from my thoughts. But the charity show struck me. One woman, 4 daughters, 1 of whom had so many troubles. Yet she bore it all alone, and even found strength to encourage her daughter to be a fighter. I wanted that courage, but still turned away to nurse my pain.

I broke down. There is no other way to describe it. I felt I had been strong for too long, that I couldn't take it anymore. Somewhere in all that is regret that I did not stand firm on what was important to me while still loving you and giving you space. If I could do it all over again, I would. But it's too late for that now.

I wanted relief, just for a while, even if it was only for a day or two. But it was not to be. Yes, perhaps I had given you an overly positive view of what I was going through. I didn't realise that. But it hurts so much that you could let go of me so easily. It hurts so much that you find it so easy to forget me. But you are so upright, you would not even allow me to fool myself temporarily in this way.

I don't know if this will hold true, but it is true right now: I will never forget you. And whatever I say, I will keep loving you and holding on. No matter how many times I tell myself to let go.

Thank God for the relief of sleep.

I woke up this morning a little better, but still down in the doldrums. When the thought crossed my mind to do QT, I actually pushed it away because I wanted to hold on to the anger and pain.

Why do I want to hold on to the anger and pain? Maybe I hope that you would see how I am destroying myself and take pity on me. But it has never happened. You are too upright for that.

But if you are so upright, why didn't you speak clearly to me the moment you felt something wrong? Why blindside and bewilder me with it like this? Nevermind. Questions that you clearly do not want to answer at the moment.

God works in wonderful, mysterious ways. He actually convinced me to do my QT. I took it out, almost with the attitude that "I will do it, but not allow it to speak to me." But I can't. His voice was too powerful, it broke right through my stupor and my haze of self-destruction.

Ephesians 4:29-32
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
That struck me right off the bat. And I began to cry (on the bus, wiping my tears away with my hand because I had stupidly forgot to bring a new tissue packet). I have not been saying edifying things to you.

³⁰ And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
I did that yesterday when I turned away from God and refused to listen to Him. 

³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
So much of this was in what I said yesterday. So very much. 

³² Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Back to the forgiveness issue - of me not forgiving you for having hurt me so bad. And noting that my behaviour to you has not been kind.

I knew, I had to apologise. I had actually been thinking about it before that, sorry that you had to endure what was essentially a verbal beating from me. But I didn't know what to say. I was afraid you would see any apology as trite.

But after this, I knew I had to apologise, whether or not you forgave me. And these tears that I cried on the bus were different from the deep silent screaming cries I cried all last evening and night. They were symptoms of a warming of my heart - a natural, unconscious return to God.

And the amazing thing is, when this happened, my desire to die disappeared.

This morning on the net - reminders of how God tried to speak to me yesterday, but I closed my ears to Him. Renewed desire to seek Him and follow Him again.

I can't say "resolve". I can't say "determination". I can't say any of these strong words, because I'm not strong, not like you. But there is just that little bit of hope. And there is just that little bit of looking forward to redemption. And maybe that is enough for a start.

There will still be reminders of you, all over the place. Yesterday in one of my crazy thoughts, I wanted to drop everything and get out of here, immerse myself in a completely new environment and work with my hands since I was so useless here where I am. Maybe that's why you left. But I have no such luxury.

I will still be reminded of you. I will still hurt, and cry. I will still cling on as long as I can (and please, don't force me to move on until I'm ready). But God is wise and powerful. And one day, maybe I can really be just normal friends with you again, joyfully. Maybe.

But, world, please stop telling me that God has someone else in store for me. Maybe He does, maybe He doesn't. But I'm not ready for that yet.

I haven't let go of you yet.

Crossroads with finality

Should I, or should I not?

I'd like to decide before I leave. It'll be easier that way.

Reasons why I should:
-I can't envision waiting 2 weeks more. And going through 1st Nov in this state. I can't sit with the uncertainty any longer.
-I have it all worked out in my head already. I just need to find out where the heart is.
-It will end this. All of this. He will have the peace he wants. I will never bother him again. If I were to stay, I can't stop myself from bothering him and making him frustrated. So, better to remove myself than to burden him.
-It doesn't seem to matter to him. He says it does, but really it doesn't. If he understood, he would have not taken the steps he did.
-It is better to do it tonight, when there is no pending appointment, so no one will blame themselves.

Reasons why I should not:
-I will create trouble for cleaners. But I've already decide to write in the suicide note to give them compensation for the trouble.
-I will create trouble for people. People will have to pack my messy room, clear my work, etc. I am sorry about that, but perhaps it is better that I am not around to be messy/incompetent anymore.
-People who love me will be hurt. But somehow this doesn't stop me like it should.
-People who have met or might have met me recently will blame themselves. To them, I can only say: "Please don't. It's not you, it's me."
-I owe a list to somebody, and it might help them help other young people better. I can only say I'm sorry.
-If I do it tonight, I will want to tell him. But he has already been bothered enough by me today. Unless I do it without telling him? A possibility.
-What will this say to people who have thought about this before? I don't know. I can only hope they will come across the verses that spoke to me.

Finally,
-I have received many messages from God not to do so. That I am His, that I should not throw my life away.

It's not that God hasn't spoken to me. It is my fault for turning away, for not letting myself be spoken to by His Word anymore.

Somehow, typing this out calmed me down. Maybe, after all, not tonight.

But I know the shadow that lurks deep in my soul, oh so close to the surface.

So very close to the surface.

I don't think I can last 2 weeks. But it doesn't matter to you, does it?

Suicidal

I'm sorry, God.

Take away the chains

Feeling rebuffed, once more.

Obviously, you don't need me in your life anymore.

And it seems your struggle has nothing to do with me.
(I don't know, but it seems so.)

May I learn to entrust you to God's care completely.

And someday, some distant day far in the horizon

I may learn to wish you well

With all my heart, to wish that you

Would find a love that burdens you less

A woman sensitive to your deepest needs

A quiet, risk-taking, music-playing, self-sufficient, slightly cynical woman

Who'll deal with her own problems in her own time and leave you to yours

Who'll never expect you to do anything you didn't want to

A truly telepathic woman who will love and hate all the same things you do

A woman whose lifelong love is acceptable to you.

But until then, the ground beneath my feet is undefined

Like sand, prone to shifting and buffeted by winds

And struggling on only entails falling into sandpits of my own digging, again and again.

I, too, wish I could move on

But how can I, if you withhold the very concrete

Of the reasons that brought us here?

Over and over, I wonder:

Did you ever have them at all?

Please, if you ever loved me

Be honest with me.

Brief reprieve

Who knew that such a little thing as that
Could bring such immense release of tension?

Not that I am completely alright
For your voice echoes in my head, periodically
Calling my name
And each time, my heart turns
Before it remembers, and then kicks itself for turning
For expecting anything at all.

But I am grateful for this small cup of water
And I thank God, and you, for it.

It does make me wonder, though
When this cycle will end
The cycle of silence, torment, struggle, breaking, relief, stoicism
When will it end?

Will I come out of this stronger, or more broken?
 How am I to grow if I don't even know what's wrong?

But the questions aren't so urgent, for now
God, in His mercy, with His words, has lulled my heart to a quiet acquiesance
Temporary, but I'll take what I can get.
Before the storm breaks, again.

Father, You are King over the flood

Exhausted from pain

Wondering if closure will bring relief

Because I tried it today,
Telling myself that you do not love me anymore
For no particular reason at all
And I could not stop the flood of tears down my face.

God, why does he seem to feel no pain at all?
Can it have meant so little to him?
How in the world could he have thought it would help
To cut me off so brutally
And not let me see his pain, his struggles?

How could he not have considered
That it would make me think he didn't care, never cared?

He doesn't want to give me the "wrong message".
Is he even sure of the message he wants to send?
If he is, why hasn't he sent it - a different it?

Would the pain be easier to handle without the bewilderment that assails, over and over again, without pause?

Oh, God!! I really need Thee, every hour, before I forget my promise to You :'(

I know it's wrong, but I really wish I was in an accident, so I can't be blamed for harming myself. I wish I was in an accident that would give me amnesia, so I wouldn't remember anything, and wouldn't hurt anymore. Better still, if You take me home to You.

I know I ought to be careful what I wish for... but, dear God, I fear I am going out of my mind. Please help me :'(

As long as I am alive, You still have a purpose for me.
Please help me to stand firm on that and seek out that purpose.
I need to remember my own maxim.
Where there's life, there's hope.

Hurts

Like an open wound

Over and over.

Hold me.

How can even that phrase hurt?

Suspension

Just the tone of a single message can help me calm down.

I still don't know what's going on. But it helps, somehow.

Dear God, please prepare me for Sunday.
Please teach me what to say.

I don't know what to expect.

Irony

Amazing what a difference it makes
Just to take a short walk
And some light conversation about very little at all.

I still find it ironic though
That you want to work things out "in my own time"
But insist that I "move on" - in the time you prescribed for me.
While you take your time for an answer that I'm not sure will ever come.

Can you not see that you are imposing on me
The control you accuse me
Of imposing on you?

Can you not see
That what I did and what you are doing
Is love, but inappropriately expressed
Because the other side was insufficiently expressed?

Despite that, I will not say this out to you
No matter how much it deserves to be said
Because it will probably anger you, and besides
God has called me to silence so many times,
I'm not sure He doesn't want me to be a nun.

I still wish you well

Save me from myself

My soul feels like it's running its finger along the blade... even though I'm physically far from that and mentally trying to fight it.

God, please save me.

A living sacrifice

Still broken

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)

And I know this, among other things, but why is it that I literally feel my life slowing down, like it's coming to an end?

Faith should be dependent on facts, not (just) feelings.

May I never forget the fact that I am a child of God. (I nearly did, last night.)

2 Samuel 13:16

“No!” she said to him. “Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me.”

Little did I know

I was far more broken than I realised.

Thank God for bringing this to light

I'm scared, but I know what I have to do.

The question is, if we were both at fault
Why am I the only one facing these consequences?
Would you face them with me, though you are no longer obliged to?

Questions I cannot (or will not?) ask.

I promised silence
I don't know if I can stick to that
If your explanation doesn't come soon.

Would you take responsibility
For your part in the matter?

Is there a reason why you don't have to face this, too?

The good news is
Things are beginning to make sense to me now.

How it happened,
All those times I heard God speak,
They're slowly starting to come together in a narrative.

And I know, I will be restored
The operative word is - to Him.

Wound

I was just about to say, "hey, maybe I am healing after all. I haven't been feeling so lousy lately even when thoughts of you cross my mind :)"

Then I read of a friend's friend's proposal... and broke into sobs.

God knew, those years ago, how much reassurance I would need.

Because as much as I think I am healing... I am reminded that I am still broken.

God, I know it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm longing for
And God, You know, I just can't see beyond that door...
~Steven Curtis Chapman

tiwts

I didn't bail, I was ejected :(

The realisation hit me -
Nobody gets me like you do :'(

On the other hand...
"...if I’m not dead yet, then what am I alive for?"

Keep forgetting

"I keep forgettin' we're not in love anymore
I keep forgettin' things will never be the same again
I keep forgettin' how you made that so clear
I keep forgettin' "
~Michael Mcdonald

Wake up and smell the Mama Lemon...

Don't bluff.

I don't know why
I suddenly feel like telling you
"Don't pretend.
I know you stalk my blog, too."

But, of course, I won't.
I promised silence, and besides
I don't know that you do.

It just feels unfair somehow
That you have access (potentially) to all of me
But have cut off parts of my access to you,
To our past.

Still, it doesn't bring me as much pain as it used to
Thank God, He must have been blocking my pain receptors somehow.

Hiding place

He never sleeps
He never slumbers
He never tires of hearing our prayer
...[I don't like this line]
So rest in His love
And cast all of your cares
On Him.
~Don Moen

God spoke

And it was not the answer that I wanted.

But it was an answer, clear as can be

And, as I promised, I must obey.

I promised.

Devastated, at first

But God in His mercy reached out
And showed me how much more He had for me
Turned my eyes from inward to outward
Thank You, Lord.

A lightening of heart
Though the tears remain

I know, one day, I will smile again.

Isaiah 43:18-19
I will let you go.

Struck down

And it's taking every ounce of my effort to say "not destroyed".

2 people so far say your reasons are valid.

But I still don't know what they are
And why they would be any more valid after 5 years.

Please, put yourself in my shoes
And think about how I experienced it

First, the stability, granted by a crucial moment when we gave our relationship to God
And, so we thought, received His blessings to go ahead.
Planning for the future with joy

Then, suddenly, without any warning
You turn cold
And I'm left wondering what I have done
Trying desperately to make amends, to please you
While my own heart cries in anguish.

Finally, we meet
But I can't believe the words that fall from your lips
You had been thinking about things
And not saying them out
And now you want to end it.

End it.

The words echo in my head
What has happened
And why didn't you tell me about it?

But the answer was not to come
Perhaps you knew it, but couldn't say it
But I was expected to accept your decision just the same.
Just like that? Just accept it?
I was prepared to go to the end
To give up my life
And now I'm supposed to take it all back
Without fully understanding why?

So now what am I supposed to make of all those times
All those words
Did you mean them, or did you not?

And to make matters worse
You take my lack of understanding
My desperate grasping at straws
As further reason to push away.
How could I have understood
If you never spoke about it in the first place?
Was I supposed to read your mind?
Is that what you expected of me?

At the very least, give me an explanation
I've been told it may not be enough for me
But it's enough for you.
And still the question echoes, echoes

Why?

And every day it gets harder to keep my promise to God.

Words have power.

Little things like this, just a sentence or two
Can convince me that you still care.

The question is,
(Like in my friend's case)
Are you saying these because you really still care
Or because you don't want me to kill myself with anguish over you?

There is no way for me to find out right now
So I'll take the better option and live.

Romans 8:36

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

Meek as a lamb that's led out to the slaughterhouse
Dumb as a sheep before its shearer

Lord, if this is what You call me to, I will. 

From a distance

I think I sense that
You are trying to limit contact with me.

The question is, why?

Is it because, after all
You are not sure about what you have done
And need this distance to convince yourself that everything's ok?

Over and over I ache to reach out
Across the divide
And pluck the thorn from your side
But over and over again God picks me up
Holds me in His arms and whispers,
"Wait."

So although it makes no sense
I will wait.

But know this:
Every time you make me wait,
The urge to slap myself increases
Because I can't believe you would be doing this if I hadn't done anything wrong.

(Please tell me what I have done)

Ebb

It took me some time to realise what was missing

Another casualty of this casual dumping

My enthusiasm for almost anything has gone.

No wonder life feels so dreary

No wonder the future looks bleak

No wonder every day I cry, hurt, and want to end it all.

How can you not see how much this has changed me?

How can you have thought this was "better"?

Maybe, and this is the thought that holds me

It is better for you.

I promised God

I will not break that promise

 I will trust Him to make my life into something beautiful.

But right now, from where I am

I can't see a future

And if you knew me at all you would've known

That is scariest of all.

Tracing jagged shards of heart

Learning to hold lightly the memory of you.

Not because you are in any way trivial

But because if I held it too long, I would break down.

Still finding it hard to even think the word "Ex".

After all this time, it is still a shock.

After all this time, it still takes effort to withhold myself from you

But you wanted it that way.

This is in no way natural

This is not at all like a couple arguing, drifting, disintegrating

Just the numbness, every day, of a phantom limb lost

A sudden accident.

Clinging to the thought

That you wanted this, you wanted this

And I hope you are happy and peaceful

And I would still give my life for you to have what you want.

So what is a little silence compared to that?

You wanted this, you wanted this.

I hope you are happy.

A living sacrifice / That You would reign

"The Lord had His plans for Malta through the sufferings of Paul.
Who knows what plans He has for others through us?"

Yesterday was bad, but this helps strengthen my resolve to choose life.
Truly, I do not know how my suffering may impact others.
I do not have the right to cut it short and possibly hinder God's work.

Lord, please remind me of this when I forget, as I am prone to these days.
Thank You :')

Still

Soldiering on with an aching heart.

Just one foot in front of the other.

Clinging on to the Word of God.

Archaeology 4

What happened to patience and loving each other?

Archaeology 3

I didn't forget...
Did you?

Archaeology 2

"...I think we like each other for different reasons than my mum and dad.  And we've got God."

Psalm 27:14

Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He will strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!

Archaeology

"Please don't stop caring for others just because of me k?"

Pretty broken

Today, I found

That I can't feel pretty anymore.

Because you were the first person

Outside my family

Who has ever managed to convince me that I'm pretty

And worth loving.

Today, I went shopping

Began to feel pretty

Then felt your absence, keenly

And the pretty feeling broke.

I wonder,

Will I ever feel worthy of being loved

Again?

Stunned

First notes, then albums.
(Or maybe it was all at the same time.)

In shock.

Maybe this is to everyone. Maybe.

I cannot reconcile this.

Maybe I shouldn't try.

Maybe I should just be thankful for what I still have
And wait for those, too,
To be taken away someday.

It feels like
My soul is trying to hurt
But has run out of hurt
And so I sit here, stupefied
Just breathing.

Just about breathing.

Remember, choose life.
Keep choosing it.
One day you won't have to remind yourself. 

Still

"Bless and do not curse." Romans 12:14

I have jumped to conclusions, and I'm sorry.

I'm glad we talked,
I'm clearer now that
Maybe you don't want this as much as I thought you did.
Maybe you are still confused
And need time.

It still hurts me that you acted before you were sure
But maybe that's what you need now.

"Repay no one evil for evil." Romans  12:17

And I'm thankful
That once again God stopped my hand
(like He has done several times before)
And gave me the peace I so desperately needed
Even though He had given it just the night before.

And once again
I'm made aware
That sometimes, even just trying on my own effort to focus on God
Isn't leaning on God.
Instead, His eternal Word can be so powerful.

I pray you will likewise find peace
And the answers you are seeking.
I still care, deeply
For you.

Maybe

...And if I die before I wake
Maybe that will be relief, instead.

Tell me

Are you absolutely determined to keep breaking my heart???

Cries

No... Please, no.

Would you really go so far
As to hide them from me?

What have I done that has hurt you so?

What can I do to make it up to you?

Why are you fading further and further away from me?

It doesn't make any sense... it still doesn't.

God, please help.

Wishing and hoping

I wished so much that I could send you the article I just read.

But if you are not ready for it, it would not help at all.

Instead, I must trust in the Lord's ability to bring you to it -
Whether the article or the understanding -
In His own time and power.

Perhaps you will never know
How mute I have become for your sake.

Peace

Amazing how
God can reach out
So specifically,
So comfortingly,
So directly that I cannot doubt it is He.

I'd still like to think this is only a pause
But at least the striving has been soothed.

(It doesn't mean I love you any less
I almost told you so last night.)

"Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still."
-Psalm 4:4

Cry

Is this what it will feel like?
Tiny break-ups, over and over again
Until I have bled dry?

Cling on to God
Don't give up
Cling on to God.

A wrench

Looks like he will not turn back -
At least, not yet.

I thought I was doing okay but it hurt.

It hurt.

Mid-morning epiphany

Just the awareness can change
One's thoughts
One's breathing
One's heart.

Maybe this peace is what he truly needs
And I should give him the space to seek it.

I chose life
Now I choose patience.

Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labour in vain. 
Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain.
-Psalm 127:1

Still

Still hoping against hope
Still dreaming against dream.

Should I speak out what I feel?

Need to wait on God.

回忆都霸占街头

Why couldn't I convince you
Over 5 (almost 6) years
That if you didn't mean it, you shouldn't say it?

Do you now see
Why I'd wanted from the start
To keep it going slow?

和那些天真承诺
-牙关

(But thank God
For soothing the wrench.)

Rollercoaster.

Last night was bad.

Could not stop thinking about what you meant, still mean, to me.

Watered my pillow with tears.

This morning brought relief
Not of itself,
But by the grace of God.
(hurts but I'll live)

And come to think of it,
Maybe it was good that it happened during this period of time
When reminders of God are all around me
And His Word spoken 3 times a day.

Maybe I'd have collapsed if it had happened in a more "leisurely" period of time.

Yes, I have been hurt, and in my eyes, unfairly.
But that doesn't mean I should hold on to unforgiveness against you.
Just realising that helped me let go
And that was amazingly freeing.

I won't say I'm out of it just yet
But it's a start, and a step.

But today, I was asked when I was getting married.
Twice, by different people.
And it feels unfair all over again
Being the one to have to deal with the questions and the expectations and the explanations
(And even the mini-lecture - well, what makes you think I was willing??)
While you step into new groups of people who never knew about us at all.

And I can't help thinking about the guy
The one who stayed by her side even when it made no sense
And whether he was led by a word from God
Or simply followed his sense of commitment.

What if I get dementia, in future?
Will everybody abandon me, then?
Will I ever be able to tell whether a person is God's choice for me
In less than 5 years?

Maybe it's difficult for you too
I can't tell
But knowing you, I have to assume it is
Right?

Maybe it isn't
But I have no right to be angry about that
Who can dictate the matters of the heart
Though it be deceitful above all else?

Sometimes, like now
One has to smother questions
Cling on to the certainties
And pray for true rest.

Father, into Your hands I commend my spirit.

Fool again

I guess the fear was justified, after all.

But why does everybody else sound so unsurprised?

Why do they all ask me to move on, as if it's a foregone conclusion?

Can there really be something that I've missed about our relationship, for so long?

God, help me.

Discovery

Finding out that, after all, fear doesn't need to be preceded by thinking.

Still afraid... be still my heart.

Tired...

So tired.

Too tired to even think about what you mean, anymore.

Father, please grant me strength for the weekend
And the busy week ahead.

I'm not numb

I'm just tired of being conflicted.

So much so that I don't dare to take even a step
Towards either hope or despair
Until I finally know for sure.

Only then can the floodgates open
For now, my lips are dammed.

My battered heart can't take no more

Maybe it's sleep deprivation, or emotional tiredness

But I've given up thinking.

I can't deal with the battering of right, wrong, left, right
Any more.

So just sitting here numbly
Just waiting in the wings

To see if they'll be broken one day.

And either way, I'll pick myself up after that
Lean on God
And move on.

"

I found it!

Score one for the burst of (slightly-obsessive) Googling.

Thank You, God, for one little phrase that gives me a glimmer of hope.

(But is this hope dangerous? What if I read it wrong?)

Patience, young padawan...
You know who goes before you, and you know He holds your hand.

"Why don't I feel any better?"
-Gretl, Sound of Music

O Jesus, I Have Promised

O let me hear Thee speaking in accents clear and still,
Above the storms of passion, the murmurs of self will.
O speak to reassure me, to hasten or control;
O speak, and make me listen, Thou Guardian of my soul.
 
(John E. Bode)

Please, no.

Numb, maybe from shock.

Am I that close to losing you?

Memories of past pain.

It hurts to know

Refocused

Last night was a good time.

Learning to let go.

Peace restored, if only for awhile.

Dear God, please help me to keep leaning on You.

Reading diary was a good idea.
Was reminded of using songs to keep thoughts in check.

你說陰天代表你的心情
-全新的你

And I cry

Today was the first time I broke down at work.

Fortunately, it was in the toilet where I could smother my cry, blink the tears away and resume a semblance of normality before facing anyone.

But its suddeness and ability to overwhelm was frightening.

I don't even dare to properly think about you, anymore.

Can it be possible for you to cut it off so quickly and completely?

It's been...

2 days since I last contacted you.

What have you been thinking? How have you been feeling?

I thought it would help you, if I stopped.
But now I'm not so sure.

The pain hasn't stopped, I've just smothered it for awhile.
Smothered any thought of you anytime it comes up
It's the only way to not give in to bothering you.

This will not be healthy if we continue, but I thought you needed it.

Should I speak? Should I remain silent?
Is there anyone helping you with this?

I want to continue loving you
But how do you want to be loved?
And what is the best for you?

Silence is golden
But my eyes still see

Mini epiphany

Maybe this is what youths feel too.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO REPLY SO I DON'T
MY ANSWER IS DIFFERENT FROM WHAT YOU EXPECT
SO I WON'T REPLY AND JUST LEAVE YOU TO SECOND-GUESS WHAT I MEAN

Maybe their silence has the same root as yours.

I wish

This would be over before my busy week at work.

Because how am I supposed to function at above average standard when I'm still strung out like this??

But realistically, I know it's not gonna be.

I know what I need to do
I know I need to be strong
But I can't, not at this moment.

Jesus, be the centre of my life.
I can't go on by myself anymore
I was never intended to.

Photos can kill.

Hurts so damn much!!! :'(

It hurts.

I'm not going to be a fool anymore.

I'm not going to contact you until you contact me.

I'm disappointed.

Can it really be true that you no longer care??

I'm tired, so tired.

I struggle

I know not whether to pretend to you that I am okay

Or reveal to you my brokenness, and possibly chase you away.

I hurt, but who can I tell?

I can tell God, I can tell those who know.

But these hurts are so petty, so petty

Only they pile up and fossilise til I am immobile.

What was the point

Of taking off "auto-stalk", only to actually go and click on his name thereafter?

Would I be happier if I didn't know, didn't see?

Or would I kick myself later that I "never saw it coming"?

I think I do see it coming, though. But what is it?

Times like these I hate myself.

Please help

I need patience to wait, but it's excruciating.

When I saw the words "leave you", I cried.

Because I don't want you to leave.

But I'm powerless to stop it, and terrified any attempts I make to show love will only push you away.

I'm tired, and I'm scared, and I'm on the verge of panic.

Is it too much to ask that you still love me?

At times like these, I wonder

Do you still love me?

Can it hurt so much to just tell me you feel the same?

Or is because you don't feel the same anymore?

It hurts so much to return to an unrequited love
Whether in thought or in reality.

So it begins

Realised I was flooding my previous blog with posts that are out of the tone of the blog.

This is temporary - I hope.

I just need a space to tell you what I want to tell you, without actually telling you (and therefore hurting you or putting pressure on you).

I hope I can delete this before you find it.

Because it will be unpleasant.

And nobody likes to reveal their unpleasant side, do they?