Struggle

Why do I still struggle?

Or is it that I am too impatient to wait for the growth You promised?

Dear Lord, today was bad.

Couldn't focus, didn't get much done, succumbed to the least of the self-destructive behaviours that were threatening. Did finally give in to slapping myself, but it didn't seem to affect either way.

Felt on the verge of breakdown.

Please help, I'm not sure how much longer I can go on anymore in this bleakness of mind.

"How can you just turn and walk away?"

Can you not see my pain?

(How could you? You don't even want to see me anymore.)

I don't know what I want anymore.

Dear God, please guard my mind from rehashing the suicide plans. I have been running away from them all afternoon, and I'm nearing exhaustion.

Please...