Stronger

Yesterday was a good day.

Oh, how I wish you would take the steps that could help you... But if I were to tell you about them, it might push you further from getting help.

So I remain in silence, longing for you to be healed. Even if you never come back to me.

I know God will heal you in His time. I know He will bring you to the help that you need, when you are ready for it.

I am thankful that He walks with me everyday, brings me surprises when I least expect them.

As it turns out, your actions were not uncharacteristic, at least not from the perspective of Myers Briggs. (That's one area a friend trained in counselling can really help - finding explanations for behaviour that make sense.)

But now I'm ever more certain (and have a second opinion) that you are struggling with something deep, something you need to settle, some demon eating you up within.

And it seems likely that it has nothing to do with me or the relationship, else you would have been able to give an answer when questioned.

But if I were to approach you with this (probable) explanation now, you'd shrink away and go further into destructive thoughts/behaviour, because you're not ready to share.

So I must resist. Like that superhero show. To withhold myself from you so that you can get stronger, heal.

Does this hint that we will never come back together again? I don't know. But it definitely helps me to strive less, now. Because all along I have wanted what's best for you, but I never knew what you were struggling with, so I couldn't figure out how I could best contribute - withdraw or persevere? Support or withhold?

With this, I at least have an idea of what you need and how best to respond. And though I always knew that God knows best, now I can connect the dots - and that definitely helps me to let go of the situation.

But I really wish you would tell me whether I am bothering you with my little messages. I really don't want to, but I can't help seeing things that you might like or that might help you, and wanting to share them.

I will take my friend's advice and pray about each time I feel that way, to see what God would have me do. And if He says "do", then I will, trusting that He has a plan to work through that even if I am hurt by your silence or non-response.

And if He says "don't", I won't, because I know He knows best. ("I know that you know that He knows that I know that..." lol)

Oh, and thank You God... For that reassurance. All this while I have thought of myself as weak. But yesterday, that friend told me that he saw me as strong. That I wasn't crumbling with emotion even as I talked to him. That he wouldn't have been able to tell what was going on in my life, wouldn't have been able to tell that I had suicidal thoughts, if I didn't tell him. And he encouraged me by saying I will come out of this stronger, based on these things he saw of me.

And he reminded me that this strength and confidence comes from You. So thank You, Lord :)

And may You please bring this strength and peace to him, too, as he seeks to find himself and quell the doubts and demons in his heart. Thank You :)