Don't bluff.

I don't know why
I suddenly feel like telling you
"Don't pretend.
I know you stalk my blog, too."

But, of course, I won't.
I promised silence, and besides
I don't know that you do.

It just feels unfair somehow
That you have access (potentially) to all of me
But have cut off parts of my access to you,
To our past.

Still, it doesn't bring me as much pain as it used to
Thank God, He must have been blocking my pain receptors somehow.

Hiding place

He never sleeps
He never slumbers
He never tires of hearing our prayer
...[I don't like this line]
So rest in His love
And cast all of your cares
On Him.
~Don Moen

God spoke

And it was not the answer that I wanted.

But it was an answer, clear as can be

And, as I promised, I must obey.

I promised.

Devastated, at first

But God in His mercy reached out
And showed me how much more He had for me
Turned my eyes from inward to outward
Thank You, Lord.

A lightening of heart
Though the tears remain

I know, one day, I will smile again.

Isaiah 43:18-19
I will let you go.

Struck down

And it's taking every ounce of my effort to say "not destroyed".

2 people so far say your reasons are valid.

But I still don't know what they are
And why they would be any more valid after 5 years.

Please, put yourself in my shoes
And think about how I experienced it

First, the stability, granted by a crucial moment when we gave our relationship to God
And, so we thought, received His blessings to go ahead.
Planning for the future with joy

Then, suddenly, without any warning
You turn cold
And I'm left wondering what I have done
Trying desperately to make amends, to please you
While my own heart cries in anguish.

Finally, we meet
But I can't believe the words that fall from your lips
You had been thinking about things
And not saying them out
And now you want to end it.

End it.

The words echo in my head
What has happened
And why didn't you tell me about it?

But the answer was not to come
Perhaps you knew it, but couldn't say it
But I was expected to accept your decision just the same.
Just like that? Just accept it?
I was prepared to go to the end
To give up my life
And now I'm supposed to take it all back
Without fully understanding why?

So now what am I supposed to make of all those times
All those words
Did you mean them, or did you not?

And to make matters worse
You take my lack of understanding
My desperate grasping at straws
As further reason to push away.
How could I have understood
If you never spoke about it in the first place?
Was I supposed to read your mind?
Is that what you expected of me?

At the very least, give me an explanation
I've been told it may not be enough for me
But it's enough for you.
And still the question echoes, echoes

Why?

And every day it gets harder to keep my promise to God.

Words have power.

Little things like this, just a sentence or two
Can convince me that you still care.

The question is,
(Like in my friend's case)
Are you saying these because you really still care
Or because you don't want me to kill myself with anguish over you?

There is no way for me to find out right now
So I'll take the better option and live.

Romans 8:36

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

Meek as a lamb that's led out to the slaughterhouse
Dumb as a sheep before its shearer

Lord, if this is what You call me to, I will. 

From a distance

I think I sense that
You are trying to limit contact with me.

The question is, why?

Is it because, after all
You are not sure about what you have done
And need this distance to convince yourself that everything's ok?

Over and over I ache to reach out
Across the divide
And pluck the thorn from your side
But over and over again God picks me up
Holds me in His arms and whispers,
"Wait."

So although it makes no sense
I will wait.

But know this:
Every time you make me wait,
The urge to slap myself increases
Because I can't believe you would be doing this if I hadn't done anything wrong.

(Please tell me what I have done)

Ebb

It took me some time to realise what was missing

Another casualty of this casual dumping

My enthusiasm for almost anything has gone.

No wonder life feels so dreary

No wonder the future looks bleak

No wonder every day I cry, hurt, and want to end it all.

How can you not see how much this has changed me?

How can you have thought this was "better"?

Maybe, and this is the thought that holds me

It is better for you.

I promised God

I will not break that promise

 I will trust Him to make my life into something beautiful.

But right now, from where I am

I can't see a future

And if you knew me at all you would've known

That is scariest of all.

Tracing jagged shards of heart

Learning to hold lightly the memory of you.

Not because you are in any way trivial

But because if I held it too long, I would break down.

Still finding it hard to even think the word "Ex".

After all this time, it is still a shock.

After all this time, it still takes effort to withhold myself from you

But you wanted it that way.

This is in no way natural

This is not at all like a couple arguing, drifting, disintegrating

Just the numbness, every day, of a phantom limb lost

A sudden accident.

Clinging to the thought

That you wanted this, you wanted this

And I hope you are happy and peaceful

And I would still give my life for you to have what you want.

So what is a little silence compared to that?

You wanted this, you wanted this.

I hope you are happy.

A living sacrifice / That You would reign

"The Lord had His plans for Malta through the sufferings of Paul.
Who knows what plans He has for others through us?"

Yesterday was bad, but this helps strengthen my resolve to choose life.
Truly, I do not know how my suffering may impact others.
I do not have the right to cut it short and possibly hinder God's work.

Lord, please remind me of this when I forget, as I am prone to these days.
Thank You :')

Still

Soldiering on with an aching heart.

Just one foot in front of the other.

Clinging on to the Word of God.

Archaeology 4

What happened to patience and loving each other?

Archaeology 3

I didn't forget...
Did you?

Archaeology 2

"...I think we like each other for different reasons than my mum and dad.  And we've got God."

Psalm 27:14

Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He will strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!

Archaeology

"Please don't stop caring for others just because of me k?"

Pretty broken

Today, I found

That I can't feel pretty anymore.

Because you were the first person

Outside my family

Who has ever managed to convince me that I'm pretty

And worth loving.

Today, I went shopping

Began to feel pretty

Then felt your absence, keenly

And the pretty feeling broke.

I wonder,

Will I ever feel worthy of being loved

Again?

Stunned

First notes, then albums.
(Or maybe it was all at the same time.)

In shock.

Maybe this is to everyone. Maybe.

I cannot reconcile this.

Maybe I shouldn't try.

Maybe I should just be thankful for what I still have
And wait for those, too,
To be taken away someday.

It feels like
My soul is trying to hurt
But has run out of hurt
And so I sit here, stupefied
Just breathing.

Just about breathing.

Remember, choose life.
Keep choosing it.
One day you won't have to remind yourself. 

Still

"Bless and do not curse." Romans 12:14

I have jumped to conclusions, and I'm sorry.

I'm glad we talked,
I'm clearer now that
Maybe you don't want this as much as I thought you did.
Maybe you are still confused
And need time.

It still hurts me that you acted before you were sure
But maybe that's what you need now.

"Repay no one evil for evil." Romans  12:17

And I'm thankful
That once again God stopped my hand
(like He has done several times before)
And gave me the peace I so desperately needed
Even though He had given it just the night before.

And once again
I'm made aware
That sometimes, even just trying on my own effort to focus on God
Isn't leaning on God.
Instead, His eternal Word can be so powerful.

I pray you will likewise find peace
And the answers you are seeking.
I still care, deeply
For you.

Maybe

...And if I die before I wake
Maybe that will be relief, instead.

Tell me

Are you absolutely determined to keep breaking my heart???

Cries

No... Please, no.

Would you really go so far
As to hide them from me?

What have I done that has hurt you so?

What can I do to make it up to you?

Why are you fading further and further away from me?

It doesn't make any sense... it still doesn't.

God, please help.

Wishing and hoping

I wished so much that I could send you the article I just read.

But if you are not ready for it, it would not help at all.

Instead, I must trust in the Lord's ability to bring you to it -
Whether the article or the understanding -
In His own time and power.

Perhaps you will never know
How mute I have become for your sake.

Peace

Amazing how
God can reach out
So specifically,
So comfortingly,
So directly that I cannot doubt it is He.

I'd still like to think this is only a pause
But at least the striving has been soothed.

(It doesn't mean I love you any less
I almost told you so last night.)

"Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still."
-Psalm 4:4

Cry

Is this what it will feel like?
Tiny break-ups, over and over again
Until I have bled dry?

Cling on to God
Don't give up
Cling on to God.

A wrench

Looks like he will not turn back -
At least, not yet.

I thought I was doing okay but it hurt.

It hurt.

Mid-morning epiphany

Just the awareness can change
One's thoughts
One's breathing
One's heart.

Maybe this peace is what he truly needs
And I should give him the space to seek it.

I chose life
Now I choose patience.

Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labour in vain. 
Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain.
-Psalm 127:1

Still

Still hoping against hope
Still dreaming against dream.

Should I speak out what I feel?

Need to wait on God.

回忆都霸占街头

Why couldn't I convince you
Over 5 (almost 6) years
That if you didn't mean it, you shouldn't say it?

Do you now see
Why I'd wanted from the start
To keep it going slow?

和那些天真承诺
-牙关

(But thank God
For soothing the wrench.)

Rollercoaster.

Last night was bad.

Could not stop thinking about what you meant, still mean, to me.

Watered my pillow with tears.

This morning brought relief
Not of itself,
But by the grace of God.
(hurts but I'll live)

And come to think of it,
Maybe it was good that it happened during this period of time
When reminders of God are all around me
And His Word spoken 3 times a day.

Maybe I'd have collapsed if it had happened in a more "leisurely" period of time.

Yes, I have been hurt, and in my eyes, unfairly.
But that doesn't mean I should hold on to unforgiveness against you.
Just realising that helped me let go
And that was amazingly freeing.

I won't say I'm out of it just yet
But it's a start, and a step.

But today, I was asked when I was getting married.
Twice, by different people.
And it feels unfair all over again
Being the one to have to deal with the questions and the expectations and the explanations
(And even the mini-lecture - well, what makes you think I was willing??)
While you step into new groups of people who never knew about us at all.

And I can't help thinking about the guy
The one who stayed by her side even when it made no sense
And whether he was led by a word from God
Or simply followed his sense of commitment.

What if I get dementia, in future?
Will everybody abandon me, then?
Will I ever be able to tell whether a person is God's choice for me
In less than 5 years?

Maybe it's difficult for you too
I can't tell
But knowing you, I have to assume it is
Right?

Maybe it isn't
But I have no right to be angry about that
Who can dictate the matters of the heart
Though it be deceitful above all else?

Sometimes, like now
One has to smother questions
Cling on to the certainties
And pray for true rest.

Father, into Your hands I commend my spirit.

Fool again

I guess the fear was justified, after all.

But why does everybody else sound so unsurprised?

Why do they all ask me to move on, as if it's a foregone conclusion?

Can there really be something that I've missed about our relationship, for so long?

God, help me.