Discovery

Finding out that, after all, fear doesn't need to be preceded by thinking.

Still afraid... be still my heart.

Tired...

So tired.

Too tired to even think about what you mean, anymore.

Father, please grant me strength for the weekend
And the busy week ahead.

I'm not numb

I'm just tired of being conflicted.

So much so that I don't dare to take even a step
Towards either hope or despair
Until I finally know for sure.

Only then can the floodgates open
For now, my lips are dammed.

My battered heart can't take no more

Maybe it's sleep deprivation, or emotional tiredness

But I've given up thinking.

I can't deal with the battering of right, wrong, left, right
Any more.

So just sitting here numbly
Just waiting in the wings

To see if they'll be broken one day.

And either way, I'll pick myself up after that
Lean on God
And move on.

"

I found it!

Score one for the burst of (slightly-obsessive) Googling.

Thank You, God, for one little phrase that gives me a glimmer of hope.

(But is this hope dangerous? What if I read it wrong?)

Patience, young padawan...
You know who goes before you, and you know He holds your hand.

"Why don't I feel any better?"
-Gretl, Sound of Music

O Jesus, I Have Promised

O let me hear Thee speaking in accents clear and still,
Above the storms of passion, the murmurs of self will.
O speak to reassure me, to hasten or control;
O speak, and make me listen, Thou Guardian of my soul.
 
(John E. Bode)

Please, no.

Numb, maybe from shock.

Am I that close to losing you?

Memories of past pain.

It hurts to know

Refocused

Last night was a good time.

Learning to let go.

Peace restored, if only for awhile.

Dear God, please help me to keep leaning on You.

Reading diary was a good idea.
Was reminded of using songs to keep thoughts in check.

你說陰天代表你的心情
-全新的你

And I cry

Today was the first time I broke down at work.

Fortunately, it was in the toilet where I could smother my cry, blink the tears away and resume a semblance of normality before facing anyone.

But its suddeness and ability to overwhelm was frightening.

I don't even dare to properly think about you, anymore.

Can it be possible for you to cut it off so quickly and completely?

It's been...

2 days since I last contacted you.

What have you been thinking? How have you been feeling?

I thought it would help you, if I stopped.
But now I'm not so sure.

The pain hasn't stopped, I've just smothered it for awhile.
Smothered any thought of you anytime it comes up
It's the only way to not give in to bothering you.

This will not be healthy if we continue, but I thought you needed it.

Should I speak? Should I remain silent?
Is there anyone helping you with this?

I want to continue loving you
But how do you want to be loved?
And what is the best for you?

Silence is golden
But my eyes still see

Mini epiphany

Maybe this is what youths feel too.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO REPLY SO I DON'T
MY ANSWER IS DIFFERENT FROM WHAT YOU EXPECT
SO I WON'T REPLY AND JUST LEAVE YOU TO SECOND-GUESS WHAT I MEAN

Maybe their silence has the same root as yours.

I wish

This would be over before my busy week at work.

Because how am I supposed to function at above average standard when I'm still strung out like this??

But realistically, I know it's not gonna be.

I know what I need to do
I know I need to be strong
But I can't, not at this moment.

Jesus, be the centre of my life.
I can't go on by myself anymore
I was never intended to.

Photos can kill.

Hurts so damn much!!! :'(

It hurts.

I'm not going to be a fool anymore.

I'm not going to contact you until you contact me.

I'm disappointed.

Can it really be true that you no longer care??

I'm tired, so tired.

I struggle

I know not whether to pretend to you that I am okay

Or reveal to you my brokenness, and possibly chase you away.

I hurt, but who can I tell?

I can tell God, I can tell those who know.

But these hurts are so petty, so petty

Only they pile up and fossilise til I am immobile.

What was the point

Of taking off "auto-stalk", only to actually go and click on his name thereafter?

Would I be happier if I didn't know, didn't see?

Or would I kick myself later that I "never saw it coming"?

I think I do see it coming, though. But what is it?

Times like these I hate myself.

Please help

I need patience to wait, but it's excruciating.

When I saw the words "leave you", I cried.

Because I don't want you to leave.

But I'm powerless to stop it, and terrified any attempts I make to show love will only push you away.

I'm tired, and I'm scared, and I'm on the verge of panic.

Is it too much to ask that you still love me?

At times like these, I wonder

Do you still love me?

Can it hurt so much to just tell me you feel the same?

Or is because you don't feel the same anymore?

It hurts so much to return to an unrequited love
Whether in thought or in reality.

So it begins

Realised I was flooding my previous blog with posts that are out of the tone of the blog.

This is temporary - I hope.

I just need a space to tell you what I want to tell you, without actually telling you (and therefore hurting you or putting pressure on you).

I hope I can delete this before you find it.

Because it will be unpleasant.

And nobody likes to reveal their unpleasant side, do they?