Broken again, I can't pretend

At first, I thought today would be bad.

Then in the past few days, I thought "I think I'm getting better. Maybe it will be alright after all."

I told myself to treat it like any other day. That it has no more significance. That I should spend it thinking about God like I have been the other days.

I thought that would help.

I was wrong. I am in floods of tears.

Jesus, please give me strength. Not just for today, but the rest of my life.

But for today, I just need my daily bread. Please.

知足 - 五月天

"为了你而祈祷而祝福而感动"

Soothed

"O, how I love Jesus
O, how I love Jesus
O, how I love Jesus
Because He first loved me!"
:D

Good songs need not be complicated.
The rhythm of this song calms me (or it could be my unconscious habit of swaying to it).

Peace, for at least this period of time :)
Thanks to God's Word, God's touch.

Healing is possible if I keep my eyes on God :)

Leg of the journey

Though the ground has been cut
From under my feet
Yet when I fall
I will fall on my knees

Cold again

Did you do it on purpose?

At least today is a much stronger day. Pretty sure my physical state has something to do with it.

"Never gonna give you up"
- at least, unless God tells me to (clearly).

Endurance

Wailing in my head

I have spent the whole afternoon battling my own thoughts and feelings, wishing I could cry my heart out and be done with it.

This troublesome heart that has experienced so much love, but also so much pain.

Father, please hold me. I can't carry on anymore.

Why?

Closure

I see I jumped to a conclusion too quickly. When will I learn that he does not have such negative feelings towards me? He has been reassuring me again and again.

Perhaps it helped that he finally sent the email. And I finally know what he has been thinking, that it is not because of some huge fault on either of our behalfs, that he really does care instead of being resentful or irritated towards me.

But I really wish he had talked it all out with me. I really wish he had given me a chance to respond, given us a chance to change, given us a chance to pray over it and be sure of God's leading for us. Maybe things would have turned out different, or maybe not. But it sure would have helped me move on and not cling on in bewilderment.

Well, now I know. And I thank God for keeping me calm. I hope this will last - dear God, please help me to trust You with my future.

He said he has been letting me go, and I can't ask him to stop that or reverse it. I will just have to accept it.

But I don't think I'm ready to move on, not just yet. I don't feel strongly about it at this point in time, but I still feel our relationship should not have ended. Still, there's nothing I can do. As Mum & Dad said, no point holding on when one party does not want to continue.

But God, You said I should "in everything, present your requests before God". Can I please request that You show me clearly whether or not he is the life partner You have chosen for me? Circumstantially, because he has chosen to move on, it certainly seems that the answer is "no". But You know my heart's desire is to be reunited with him. And I need Your answer before I can obey it with all my heart.

Thank You for this opportunity to refocus my life on You. I do see how much I have grown through this painful episode. Maybe it will be a painful reality for the rest of my life - I don't know. But I do know now that however long it takes, I will wait for Your answer. I won't rush into things. I will follow the Shepherd of my soul.

Dear God, please grant that my broken heart will heal.

A second reminder, though I don't think I need it quite as much now.

Romans 14:7-8 "For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord."

A helpful verse.

Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."

Help me trust in You, Lord. 

Another reminder

Do not touch your cheeks

Until you can stop the desire to slap them or dig your nails into them.

"We do not harm our own body"

Catharsis

Yesterday was horrible.

It's not that I didn't know all the right things; the messages from God, the willingness of people to hear me out.

But I selfishly didn't want to turn to them because I wanted to hurt, to destroy myself. So if anything had happened, it wouldn't have been their fault. It would have been mine.

It's a wonder I managed to sleep last night. But then again, I was tired. Perhaps sleep deprivation didn't help.

I suppose, neither would PMS help. Strange that I am giving you more grief during my PMS after we broke up rather than before. Oh well.

But God is gracious, oh so gracious.

So odd. I was challenging God to say something to me to stop me from killing myself. But instead of addressing that (which I would have thought quite urgent), He addressed it in other ways, speaking to my needs.

First, the lift home that ensured I didn't give in to the temptation to do anything to myself. I suppose I could've said something else, but thank God for bringing me home safe.

Even there I wasn't safe from my thoughts. But the charity show struck me. One woman, 4 daughters, 1 of whom had so many troubles. Yet she bore it all alone, and even found strength to encourage her daughter to be a fighter. I wanted that courage, but still turned away to nurse my pain.

I broke down. There is no other way to describe it. I felt I had been strong for too long, that I couldn't take it anymore. Somewhere in all that is regret that I did not stand firm on what was important to me while still loving you and giving you space. If I could do it all over again, I would. But it's too late for that now.

I wanted relief, just for a while, even if it was only for a day or two. But it was not to be. Yes, perhaps I had given you an overly positive view of what I was going through. I didn't realise that. But it hurts so much that you could let go of me so easily. It hurts so much that you find it so easy to forget me. But you are so upright, you would not even allow me to fool myself temporarily in this way.

I don't know if this will hold true, but it is true right now: I will never forget you. And whatever I say, I will keep loving you and holding on. No matter how many times I tell myself to let go.

Thank God for the relief of sleep.

I woke up this morning a little better, but still down in the doldrums. When the thought crossed my mind to do QT, I actually pushed it away because I wanted to hold on to the anger and pain.

Why do I want to hold on to the anger and pain? Maybe I hope that you would see how I am destroying myself and take pity on me. But it has never happened. You are too upright for that.

But if you are so upright, why didn't you speak clearly to me the moment you felt something wrong? Why blindside and bewilder me with it like this? Nevermind. Questions that you clearly do not want to answer at the moment.

God works in wonderful, mysterious ways. He actually convinced me to do my QT. I took it out, almost with the attitude that "I will do it, but not allow it to speak to me." But I can't. His voice was too powerful, it broke right through my stupor and my haze of self-destruction.

Ephesians 4:29-32
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
That struck me right off the bat. And I began to cry (on the bus, wiping my tears away with my hand because I had stupidly forgot to bring a new tissue packet). I have not been saying edifying things to you.

³⁰ And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
I did that yesterday when I turned away from God and refused to listen to Him. 

³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
So much of this was in what I said yesterday. So very much. 

³² Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Back to the forgiveness issue - of me not forgiving you for having hurt me so bad. And noting that my behaviour to you has not been kind.

I knew, I had to apologise. I had actually been thinking about it before that, sorry that you had to endure what was essentially a verbal beating from me. But I didn't know what to say. I was afraid you would see any apology as trite.

But after this, I knew I had to apologise, whether or not you forgave me. And these tears that I cried on the bus were different from the deep silent screaming cries I cried all last evening and night. They were symptoms of a warming of my heart - a natural, unconscious return to God.

And the amazing thing is, when this happened, my desire to die disappeared.

This morning on the net - reminders of how God tried to speak to me yesterday, but I closed my ears to Him. Renewed desire to seek Him and follow Him again.

I can't say "resolve". I can't say "determination". I can't say any of these strong words, because I'm not strong, not like you. But there is just that little bit of hope. And there is just that little bit of looking forward to redemption. And maybe that is enough for a start.

There will still be reminders of you, all over the place. Yesterday in one of my crazy thoughts, I wanted to drop everything and get out of here, immerse myself in a completely new environment and work with my hands since I was so useless here where I am. Maybe that's why you left. But I have no such luxury.

I will still be reminded of you. I will still hurt, and cry. I will still cling on as long as I can (and please, don't force me to move on until I'm ready). But God is wise and powerful. And one day, maybe I can really be just normal friends with you again, joyfully. Maybe.

But, world, please stop telling me that God has someone else in store for me. Maybe He does, maybe He doesn't. But I'm not ready for that yet.

I haven't let go of you yet.

Crossroads with finality

Should I, or should I not?

I'd like to decide before I leave. It'll be easier that way.

Reasons why I should:
-I can't envision waiting 2 weeks more. And going through 1st Nov in this state. I can't sit with the uncertainty any longer.
-I have it all worked out in my head already. I just need to find out where the heart is.
-It will end this. All of this. He will have the peace he wants. I will never bother him again. If I were to stay, I can't stop myself from bothering him and making him frustrated. So, better to remove myself than to burden him.
-It doesn't seem to matter to him. He says it does, but really it doesn't. If he understood, he would have not taken the steps he did.
-It is better to do it tonight, when there is no pending appointment, so no one will blame themselves.

Reasons why I should not:
-I will create trouble for cleaners. But I've already decide to write in the suicide note to give them compensation for the trouble.
-I will create trouble for people. People will have to pack my messy room, clear my work, etc. I am sorry about that, but perhaps it is better that I am not around to be messy/incompetent anymore.
-People who love me will be hurt. But somehow this doesn't stop me like it should.
-People who have met or might have met me recently will blame themselves. To them, I can only say: "Please don't. It's not you, it's me."
-I owe a list to somebody, and it might help them help other young people better. I can only say I'm sorry.
-If I do it tonight, I will want to tell him. But he has already been bothered enough by me today. Unless I do it without telling him? A possibility.
-What will this say to people who have thought about this before? I don't know. I can only hope they will come across the verses that spoke to me.

Finally,
-I have received many messages from God not to do so. That I am His, that I should not throw my life away.

It's not that God hasn't spoken to me. It is my fault for turning away, for not letting myself be spoken to by His Word anymore.

Somehow, typing this out calmed me down. Maybe, after all, not tonight.

But I know the shadow that lurks deep in my soul, oh so close to the surface.

So very close to the surface.

I don't think I can last 2 weeks. But it doesn't matter to you, does it?

Suicidal

I'm sorry, God.

Take away the chains

Feeling rebuffed, once more.

Obviously, you don't need me in your life anymore.

And it seems your struggle has nothing to do with me.
(I don't know, but it seems so.)

May I learn to entrust you to God's care completely.

And someday, some distant day far in the horizon

I may learn to wish you well

With all my heart, to wish that you

Would find a love that burdens you less

A woman sensitive to your deepest needs

A quiet, risk-taking, music-playing, self-sufficient, slightly cynical woman

Who'll deal with her own problems in her own time and leave you to yours

Who'll never expect you to do anything you didn't want to

A truly telepathic woman who will love and hate all the same things you do

A woman whose lifelong love is acceptable to you.

But until then, the ground beneath my feet is undefined

Like sand, prone to shifting and buffeted by winds

And struggling on only entails falling into sandpits of my own digging, again and again.

I, too, wish I could move on

But how can I, if you withhold the very concrete

Of the reasons that brought us here?

Over and over, I wonder:

Did you ever have them at all?

Please, if you ever loved me

Be honest with me.

Brief reprieve

Who knew that such a little thing as that
Could bring such immense release of tension?

Not that I am completely alright
For your voice echoes in my head, periodically
Calling my name
And each time, my heart turns
Before it remembers, and then kicks itself for turning
For expecting anything at all.

But I am grateful for this small cup of water
And I thank God, and you, for it.

It does make me wonder, though
When this cycle will end
The cycle of silence, torment, struggle, breaking, relief, stoicism
When will it end?

Will I come out of this stronger, or more broken?
 How am I to grow if I don't even know what's wrong?

But the questions aren't so urgent, for now
God, in His mercy, with His words, has lulled my heart to a quiet acquiesance
Temporary, but I'll take what I can get.
Before the storm breaks, again.

Father, You are King over the flood

Exhausted from pain

Wondering if closure will bring relief

Because I tried it today,
Telling myself that you do not love me anymore
For no particular reason at all
And I could not stop the flood of tears down my face.

God, why does he seem to feel no pain at all?
Can it have meant so little to him?
How in the world could he have thought it would help
To cut me off so brutally
And not let me see his pain, his struggles?

How could he not have considered
That it would make me think he didn't care, never cared?

He doesn't want to give me the "wrong message".
Is he even sure of the message he wants to send?
If he is, why hasn't he sent it - a different it?

Would the pain be easier to handle without the bewilderment that assails, over and over again, without pause?

Oh, God!! I really need Thee, every hour, before I forget my promise to You :'(

I know it's wrong, but I really wish I was in an accident, so I can't be blamed for harming myself. I wish I was in an accident that would give me amnesia, so I wouldn't remember anything, and wouldn't hurt anymore. Better still, if You take me home to You.

I know I ought to be careful what I wish for... but, dear God, I fear I am going out of my mind. Please help me :'(

As long as I am alive, You still have a purpose for me.
Please help me to stand firm on that and seek out that purpose.
I need to remember my own maxim.
Where there's life, there's hope.

Hurts

Like an open wound

Over and over.

Hold me.

How can even that phrase hurt?

Suspension

Just the tone of a single message can help me calm down.

I still don't know what's going on. But it helps, somehow.

Dear God, please prepare me for Sunday.
Please teach me what to say.

I don't know what to expect.

Irony

Amazing what a difference it makes
Just to take a short walk
And some light conversation about very little at all.

I still find it ironic though
That you want to work things out "in my own time"
But insist that I "move on" - in the time you prescribed for me.
While you take your time for an answer that I'm not sure will ever come.

Can you not see that you are imposing on me
The control you accuse me
Of imposing on you?

Can you not see
That what I did and what you are doing
Is love, but inappropriately expressed
Because the other side was insufficiently expressed?

Despite that, I will not say this out to you
No matter how much it deserves to be said
Because it will probably anger you, and besides
God has called me to silence so many times,
I'm not sure He doesn't want me to be a nun.

I still wish you well

Save me from myself

My soul feels like it's running its finger along the blade... even though I'm physically far from that and mentally trying to fight it.

God, please save me.

A living sacrifice

Still broken

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)

And I know this, among other things, but why is it that I literally feel my life slowing down, like it's coming to an end?

Faith should be dependent on facts, not (just) feelings.

May I never forget the fact that I am a child of God. (I nearly did, last night.)

2 Samuel 13:16

“No!” she said to him. “Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me.”

Little did I know

I was far more broken than I realised.

Thank God for bringing this to light

I'm scared, but I know what I have to do.

The question is, if we were both at fault
Why am I the only one facing these consequences?
Would you face them with me, though you are no longer obliged to?

Questions I cannot (or will not?) ask.

I promised silence
I don't know if I can stick to that
If your explanation doesn't come soon.

Would you take responsibility
For your part in the matter?

Is there a reason why you don't have to face this, too?

The good news is
Things are beginning to make sense to me now.

How it happened,
All those times I heard God speak,
They're slowly starting to come together in a narrative.

And I know, I will be restored
The operative word is - to Him.

Wound

I was just about to say, "hey, maybe I am healing after all. I haven't been feeling so lousy lately even when thoughts of you cross my mind :)"

Then I read of a friend's friend's proposal... and broke into sobs.

God knew, those years ago, how much reassurance I would need.

Because as much as I think I am healing... I am reminded that I am still broken.

God, I know it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm longing for
And God, You know, I just can't see beyond that door...
~Steven Curtis Chapman

tiwts

I didn't bail, I was ejected :(

The realisation hit me -
Nobody gets me like you do :'(

On the other hand...
"...if I’m not dead yet, then what am I alive for?"

Keep forgetting

"I keep forgettin' we're not in love anymore
I keep forgettin' things will never be the same again
I keep forgettin' how you made that so clear
I keep forgettin' "
~Michael Mcdonald

Wake up and smell the Mama Lemon...