Catharsis

Yesterday was horrible.

It's not that I didn't know all the right things; the messages from God, the willingness of people to hear me out.

But I selfishly didn't want to turn to them because I wanted to hurt, to destroy myself. So if anything had happened, it wouldn't have been their fault. It would have been mine.

It's a wonder I managed to sleep last night. But then again, I was tired. Perhaps sleep deprivation didn't help.

I suppose, neither would PMS help. Strange that I am giving you more grief during my PMS after we broke up rather than before. Oh well.

But God is gracious, oh so gracious.

So odd. I was challenging God to say something to me to stop me from killing myself. But instead of addressing that (which I would have thought quite urgent), He addressed it in other ways, speaking to my needs.

First, the lift home that ensured I didn't give in to the temptation to do anything to myself. I suppose I could've said something else, but thank God for bringing me home safe.

Even there I wasn't safe from my thoughts. But the charity show struck me. One woman, 4 daughters, 1 of whom had so many troubles. Yet she bore it all alone, and even found strength to encourage her daughter to be a fighter. I wanted that courage, but still turned away to nurse my pain.

I broke down. There is no other way to describe it. I felt I had been strong for too long, that I couldn't take it anymore. Somewhere in all that is regret that I did not stand firm on what was important to me while still loving you and giving you space. If I could do it all over again, I would. But it's too late for that now.

I wanted relief, just for a while, even if it was only for a day or two. But it was not to be. Yes, perhaps I had given you an overly positive view of what I was going through. I didn't realise that. But it hurts so much that you could let go of me so easily. It hurts so much that you find it so easy to forget me. But you are so upright, you would not even allow me to fool myself temporarily in this way.

I don't know if this will hold true, but it is true right now: I will never forget you. And whatever I say, I will keep loving you and holding on. No matter how many times I tell myself to let go.

Thank God for the relief of sleep.

I woke up this morning a little better, but still down in the doldrums. When the thought crossed my mind to do QT, I actually pushed it away because I wanted to hold on to the anger and pain.

Why do I want to hold on to the anger and pain? Maybe I hope that you would see how I am destroying myself and take pity on me. But it has never happened. You are too upright for that.

But if you are so upright, why didn't you speak clearly to me the moment you felt something wrong? Why blindside and bewilder me with it like this? Nevermind. Questions that you clearly do not want to answer at the moment.

God works in wonderful, mysterious ways. He actually convinced me to do my QT. I took it out, almost with the attitude that "I will do it, but not allow it to speak to me." But I can't. His voice was too powerful, it broke right through my stupor and my haze of self-destruction.

Ephesians 4:29-32
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
That struck me right off the bat. And I began to cry (on the bus, wiping my tears away with my hand because I had stupidly forgot to bring a new tissue packet). I have not been saying edifying things to you.

³⁰ And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
I did that yesterday when I turned away from God and refused to listen to Him. 

³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
So much of this was in what I said yesterday. So very much. 

³² Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Back to the forgiveness issue - of me not forgiving you for having hurt me so bad. And noting that my behaviour to you has not been kind.

I knew, I had to apologise. I had actually been thinking about it before that, sorry that you had to endure what was essentially a verbal beating from me. But I didn't know what to say. I was afraid you would see any apology as trite.

But after this, I knew I had to apologise, whether or not you forgave me. And these tears that I cried on the bus were different from the deep silent screaming cries I cried all last evening and night. They were symptoms of a warming of my heart - a natural, unconscious return to God.

And the amazing thing is, when this happened, my desire to die disappeared.

This morning on the net - reminders of how God tried to speak to me yesterday, but I closed my ears to Him. Renewed desire to seek Him and follow Him again.

I can't say "resolve". I can't say "determination". I can't say any of these strong words, because I'm not strong, not like you. But there is just that little bit of hope. And there is just that little bit of looking forward to redemption. And maybe that is enough for a start.

There will still be reminders of you, all over the place. Yesterday in one of my crazy thoughts, I wanted to drop everything and get out of here, immerse myself in a completely new environment and work with my hands since I was so useless here where I am. Maybe that's why you left. But I have no such luxury.

I will still be reminded of you. I will still hurt, and cry. I will still cling on as long as I can (and please, don't force me to move on until I'm ready). But God is wise and powerful. And one day, maybe I can really be just normal friends with you again, joyfully. Maybe.

But, world, please stop telling me that God has someone else in store for me. Maybe He does, maybe He doesn't. But I'm not ready for that yet.

I haven't let go of you yet.