Be happy.

Thank You, God, for my job. If for no other reason than the fact that You have placed me in a position to constantly hear Your Word exactly when I need it.

Thank You for speaking to me that night, and the next day, and fortifying me to continue living for You. What obstacles do I face that can compare to what those others faced?

Thank You for continuing to provide for me.

God, ever since I said I would try not to message him anymore, he seems happier, more interactive with others.

I am glad that he's happy.

Even if it hurts deep inside.

Please keep him happy in You.

Struggle

Why do I still struggle?

Or is it that I am too impatient to wait for the growth You promised?

Dear Lord, today was bad.

Couldn't focus, didn't get much done, succumbed to the least of the self-destructive behaviours that were threatening. Did finally give in to slapping myself, but it didn't seem to affect either way.

Felt on the verge of breakdown.

Please help, I'm not sure how much longer I can go on anymore in this bleakness of mind.

"How can you just turn and walk away?"

Can you not see my pain?

(How could you? You don't even want to see me anymore.)

I don't know what I want anymore.

Dear God, please guard my mind from rehashing the suicide plans. I have been running away from them all afternoon, and I'm nearing exhaustion.

Please...

Spilled

Reminder: What does it mean to love? What would be words that are "good" in this context?

I guess what sparked this off was realising that you answer to some messages and not others. Trying to figure out which messages you respond to and why you don't respond to the rest.

Is it because they remind you of the past?

I went back and reread my post about the Epiphany I received. This additional piece of information seems to gel with that.

So I must go back to my resolve then. Not to remind you of things in the past, before you are ready for them.

Maybe, at this point in time, you just want (and need?) to live in the moment.

It won't be healthy on a long-term basis, but it's just for this period of time until you are less busy and can afford the space to think about things again.

(Again, a wrench - remembering that you broke up with me partly because you "need the space" but still have your time filled up with other things. I hope that was not your way of showing me how you felt to be neglected for ministry, like at the fellowship lunch. If you had only told me your needs, I would have paid attention to them.

Again, maybe this is your need - to have the "space" from reminders of the past and to live in the present until something subsides. What is it that you are waiting for to subside? If it is pain, for whatever reason, I pray that your pain will subside quickly. If it is your longing for our relationship, why? I'm sorry, I still cannot pray for that to subside :'( I have tried to pray it for myself, and failed.)

Anyway, I guess I should not send you the link I was thinking about sending, because it would have reminded you of the past. Instead, I'll paste it here: http://cairnhill.wordpress.com/2012/11/10/most-delightful-moments-twc-daily-devotional-20121110/

I thought I had found someone with the same passion for God, the same concern for building up those who are younger in the faith, the same dream of using songs to speak to God's people. I am grateful for your partnership in ministry all these years - in Yaf, in YM, in songwriting. I am sad that you no longer see me as a good partner for ministry. But I am glad that you are still devoting yourself to God's ministry. I hope you are not exhausting yourself though.

May you draw from His strength as you serve, and may God work in you as He works through you.

I still pray for your family. I will continue to do so.

More thoughts

Hmm. Some new things to think about.

Thank you for the chat. It was good to feel your concern for me again, a concern born not out of the situation, but just as friends do.

Yesterday you said you "had been learning" that we are always exactly where God wants us to be, and trust that God will bring the best out of the situation and strengthen us. You shared it with me, hoping it would help me find peace in God.

The question that has been lingering in my head today is: "So how does this apply to you?"

I was reminded, through a FB post, that changing you is none of my business but God's. But it's a valid question, isn't it? Did you trust that you were exactly where God wanted you to be, before the breakup? Exactly in the relationship, church, cell group that He had placed you in?

Just a few weeks before, you had expressed gratitude to the church for being your family when you needed it. Did you really mean it?

And, as you yourself recognised (I hope), saying this doesn't make it ok to make any decision without seeking God first. You know very well how easy it is to rationalise "if God doesn't want us to be here / do this, He would've stopped us". God still allows us to make decisions within His will, and there are evidently decisions that He would prefer. The only way to know is to seek Him and wait for His answer.

And so, I still don't think this is something I should just accept, until you and I have both received firm answers from God. But well, maybe it's something you have already accepted. I don't know.

Yet, today I found myself thinking about the ungrateful servant. How the master forgave the servant's debt - forgave it completely! - without asking him to repay it when he could. I mean he could have just gone "Ok fine, I won't throw you into jail, but you still pay me back when you can ok."

And I was led to think about my request for a time to talk it through, and your (possibly unwilling?) acquiescence. Shouldn't I forgive you without insisting that you "pay your debt" of explaining and understanding first? After all, God has already forgiven even the sins I was not aware of committing. Shouldn't I extend you the same grace?

Yet at the same time, I am aware that actions and decisions have consequences, and like nail holes in the fence, do not simply go away. And I have felt all along that the consequences of your decision and actions in breaking up have fallen squarely on me. Were you aware? Did I miss your attempts to make amends?

So, Lord, how do I hold these in tension? My pain will not magically disappear just because I now realise I should forgive him just because You forgave me much more. Yet what does it mean to forgive? Doesn't that mean giving up the right to justice, to answers?

I don't know. I am going to talk to some mentors about this.

But I thank You, once again, for holding me - even yesterday afternoon when the pain got intense and I was afraid I was going crazy. Thank You for the opportunity to cry and to scream with no one around. Please guard my heart and mind with Your peace, Lord Jesus.

And please, guard his too.

Thank You.

Stronger

Yesterday was a good day.

Oh, how I wish you would take the steps that could help you... But if I were to tell you about them, it might push you further from getting help.

So I remain in silence, longing for you to be healed. Even if you never come back to me.

I know God will heal you in His time. I know He will bring you to the help that you need, when you are ready for it.

I am thankful that He walks with me everyday, brings me surprises when I least expect them.

As it turns out, your actions were not uncharacteristic, at least not from the perspective of Myers Briggs. (That's one area a friend trained in counselling can really help - finding explanations for behaviour that make sense.)

But now I'm ever more certain (and have a second opinion) that you are struggling with something deep, something you need to settle, some demon eating you up within.

And it seems likely that it has nothing to do with me or the relationship, else you would have been able to give an answer when questioned.

But if I were to approach you with this (probable) explanation now, you'd shrink away and go further into destructive thoughts/behaviour, because you're not ready to share.

So I must resist. Like that superhero show. To withhold myself from you so that you can get stronger, heal.

Does this hint that we will never come back together again? I don't know. But it definitely helps me to strive less, now. Because all along I have wanted what's best for you, but I never knew what you were struggling with, so I couldn't figure out how I could best contribute - withdraw or persevere? Support or withhold?

With this, I at least have an idea of what you need and how best to respond. And though I always knew that God knows best, now I can connect the dots - and that definitely helps me to let go of the situation.

But I really wish you would tell me whether I am bothering you with my little messages. I really don't want to, but I can't help seeing things that you might like or that might help you, and wanting to share them.

I will take my friend's advice and pray about each time I feel that way, to see what God would have me do. And if He says "do", then I will, trusting that He has a plan to work through that even if I am hurt by your silence or non-response.

And if He says "don't", I won't, because I know He knows best. ("I know that you know that He knows that I know that..." lol)

Oh, and thank You God... For that reassurance. All this while I have thought of myself as weak. But yesterday, that friend told me that he saw me as strong. That I wasn't crumbling with emotion even as I talked to him. That he wouldn't have been able to tell what was going on in my life, wouldn't have been able to tell that I had suicidal thoughts, if I didn't tell him. And he encouraged me by saying I will come out of this stronger, based on these things he saw of me.

And he reminded me that this strength and confidence comes from You. So thank You, Lord :)

And may You please bring this strength and peace to him, too, as he seeks to find himself and quell the doubts and demons in his heart. Thank You :)

Takes a spark

Lunchtime tends to bring good things, even if my appetite wasn't restored by the walk to the canteen.

I really shouldn't put off lunch the way I do.

Thank You, God, for reminding me of the people who stand ready to hear me out, to support me through this. That give me new perspective and help me to take my eyes off my pain and fix them on You.

Thank You for reminding me that love hopes and endures all things. (ALL things.) If, in my mind, I can endure neglect and beatings and abandonment and betrayal, why should not I bear with a request for space? (Of course, in those I always knew the ending. But the point still stands - my ending is with God, hence it WILL be a happy ending.)

I still don't have the answers I am looking for. But the striving has eased, once again.

Now, back to being productive... I hope.

Floundering once more.

I really should stop myself from reading depressive stuff. It definitely hasn't helped.

But I am weak... Oh so weak.

It hurts me very much that you could not see us together for life. Are we really that different?

My defenses come up to cry that a lot of this was in your head, if you had spoken to me we could have clarified things, perhaps it wasn't really true. But now, I won't know. And I might never know. And I really, really wish I could know. Please, won't you talk to me freely again?

Maybe you are afraid you would have to take back some of your words if we did. And we both know we are both stubborn. But compromise can be found. We've proved that before. Won't you give us a chance to prove that again?

Tell me what is it you really want. Please think it out, and see if it's realistic. Or is that you yourself don't know it, either?

I don't understand how something so sweet, that helped each other grow so much, could have been something you don't want, couldn't live with for life. Sure, it had flaws, like every human that ever lived. And at least on my part, I had become rather complacent/lazy about growing for some time. But how could you have just dumped it like that?? Without even a notification of "Something's wrong, let's try again"???

It really hurts that you could let go of your feelings for me. "How??" is the big question I want to ask. How did you "make adjustments"? What changes have you been making? Have you really dealt with all this or just buried it by not meeting me, not meeting any of the people who know us both?

Logically, as I thought out a couple of posts ago, I think you just took steps to give yourself the time and space you feel you need at this time. So, it is just possible that you might not actually have meant some of the stuff you said. But knowing you, that is unlikely, especially seeing as how you have been editing that email over and over again.

Maybe the answer is a hybrid. The self-search provided the urgency. There were definitely issues that you felt strongly about, valid ones which should have been taken into consideration. But if not for the urgency, maybe you would have taken time to work them out with me. Maybe. Maybe I would have been given a chance to change and have really put effort into it.

So now, what I am waiting on is the confirmation of the reason behind the urgency. But I have not dared to broach it to you yet.

And clarification on the issues - which ones were real? Which ones were perhaps a trick of the perception? If you don't clarify, how am I to know which are real issues that I can work on changing? But you have chosen not to respond to these - maybe you forgot, but I don't know.

And after these are settled - what then? If my surmise about your underlying motivation is right, I know how to react at least. When I get clarification on the issues that were real, I can work on changing, on growing. Both of these mean that I will leave you alone.

But deep down inside, I really want you back. And that is the bit of me dissolving into tears that gush from my eyes, every so often, and will do so for the forseeable future.

Why is it so hard for me to forget you? Is it because I was obsessed with you? I keep questioning myself about that, and yet I can't say that's true. But yet, I know I was not centrally focused on God. Maybe, I was just too focused on taking life easy, and had neglected both God and you in the meantime.

It's hard for me to give up because I had invested so much into the relationship. I'm sorry for having taken things a bit too easy recently. But you have always been good for me. Helping me grow, prodding me to be more disciplined. If I had listened to you more/earlier, would things have turned out different?

Regret, self-blame. Are these from the devil? Did he put any thoughts, doubts into your head? Was he the one that told you to keep mum all these months, so that the doubts could grow and intensify?

I DON'T KNOW!! *cries* And it sucks that I probably never will.

I still don't take back what I said when we first started out. I loved you because of your heart for God. I loved you because you were you; because you were conscientious and gentle and intelligent and humorous and loving and charming and righteous. And I still do, even if you don't know who you are right now. Even if your flaws hurt me and scared me at times (e.g. I'm still scared of your anger. But I have faith in God to bring you to Christlikeness in that area.), I still loved you and was willing to support you in prayer, in presence, in love.

I still stand ready to do that. Won't you accept my support and love?

Dear God, please speak to me. As OC shared, please tell me whether I should accept this test or continue praying for a miracle. If my question is wrong, please teach me the right question to ask. And then, please answer it so clearly that I would have NO reason to doubt what You spoke, and can follow it with all my heart. Please...

In Tension

1) Since God allowed it to happen, He has plans for how this will be for our good. He continues to be all we need and wants us to focus on Him.

2) What you did to me was unjustified and will require a settlement someday. (There possibly is also stuff I did to you that was unjustified and will require a settlement; but if you don't tell me I wouldn't know.)

3) I think you may be facing major issues that you need time and space to work out. (I'm not sure, but I think so.) You may need support for these, but you have rejected my support. So perhaps I can best support you by praying for you and not disturbing you.

4) Nobody can force you to do what you don't want to do. Even if every word from my mouth/fingers hits home and is true, if your heart is set on moving on despite the uncertainty of issues, despite the lack of clarification and unjustified action, nobody can turn you from that course except God.

Now, dear Lord, how do I hold all these in tension? It's difficult, but if all of these are really true, I will try.

I really will try.

I wish I had asked for a hug that day.

EPIPHANY

Some things just occurred to me.

See, maybe what really happened is that you need time to figure yourself out.

After all, I don't know what issues you had to consider.

You needed time, and space.

And so you cut me off, because you needed to stop me from being a constant reminder to you of who you were, or who you are supposed to be. I wasn't doing it consciously, but I was nonetheless a reminder - the closest one to you (that you could cut off - family can't be).

You wanted to figure it out yourself.

And although the process was careless, it was not callous (or at least not meant to be).

Is that the reason? Is that why you found it so easy to let go of your feelings for me? Because you were preoccupied with something else - something greater - a bigger project - working out who you really were?

Because who you really are will impact our relationship. It might change our dynamics. It might change how we relate to each other.

That's not to say it isn't possible to do so while we're still in a relationship. In fact, I would have at least attempted to give it a try if you had told me so from the start.

But maybe, this is a truth that you yourself didn't fully understand. And so this was the only way you could see to do it at that point in time.

And that's why you couldn't fully verbalise the reasons you wanted this in the first place. It's not because of some huge flaw on your or my part. It's because you had, along the way, lost your conception of who you really were. And you needed to find it again, otherwise a relationship built with one shaky pillar would not last.

And so what I need to do in this period of time is help you by not remaining a reminder of the things that you aren't sure are you. To give you space to work things out.

To not ask for a commitment that you can't give at the moment, because you don't know who you are, and if you don't know who you are, you don't know whether you can commit.

So you don't despise anything in the past (except that one thing we both regret). You don't have a flawed understanding of relationships, of who we are, of how we got along together.

This is just something you need to do.

And after it all, we may come back together, we may not. It depends on the trajectories God will lead both of us on.

But you will be more sure of who you are. And with that new surety, you will be able to make decisions and commitments with confidence.

Wow. This is like... a Revelation. An Epiphany. And somehow, very freeing.

I'm not sure why, when it just increases the possibility that you may not come back to me.

But maybe I have peace now, because I found an explanation that fits all the facts.

Just like when SL helped me understand that I was asking the wrong question to God's answers to me.

This understanding of "Everything fits now".

It even fits the Bible verses God gave me! God DID bring me back to the land of peace, of understanding.

This... this is good.

Thank You, God.

I don't know whether I should email him to tell him this. Will it help? Maybe it will. But it wouldn't do to do it on impulse.

I'll sit on it for awhile first. Talk it out with a few people. See if it makes sense.

See if it lasts.

But wow... what a change... within a few minutes.

Thank You, Lord. You always know exactly what I need, when I need it :') <3

Heart words

One of the things that really hurt me:

That you seemed to have moved on even before we actually broke up.

I think the break-up happened in your mind even before I even had the tiniest hint about it.

Is that fair?

They say it's easier to live if you learn to accept an apology you never got.

But even if I got the apology I'm looking for, would it help?

I know, we can't rewind time and start the process again, this time with more information symmetry.

But I still wish you would talk to me.

Clear things up.

Admit that some of the issues may not have been what you thought.

Work things out.

And then what?

Of course, my heart yearns for us to be reunited.

But even if we did, I would have no peace until we each got a firm answer from God.

And it makes no sense to reunite if the answer comes that we'll have to part.

So I'll keep seeking, keep listening.

And in the meantime I keep from foisting myself on you. I keep myself from asking for the answers I deserve, even though I think you would no longer withhold them from me.

I keep from asking you whether you can reconsider this. But I hope, someday, to be able to ask it with confidence.

And I hope, someday, you will say the words I've been longing to hear.

God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, this is what I'm aching for
God, You know, I just can't see beyond the door...

God, please hold me in Your hands.

Teach me to dance to the beat of Your heart

Thank You, God. For:

- Soothing me and helping me focus on other things.

- Showing me that maybe, just maybe, things are not so bad.

- Helping me not get sick from the junk I ate.

- Inspiring me to work for Your kingdom again.

Despite what people say, I still think I may remain broken for the rest of my life. But we shall see. I trust that the Lord has plans for me.

One thing I just thought of, though.

What really happened was that before the breakup, he had been trying to clap with one hand, and of course he failed because I didn't even know what was going on.

But now, our positions are reversed. I am the one trying to clap with one hand, while he has chosen not to try anymore.

That's why I have stopped trying to clap. But in my mind and heart, the beat goes on.

And if you know me, it will go on for a very long time.