Floundering once more.

I really should stop myself from reading depressive stuff. It definitely hasn't helped.

But I am weak... Oh so weak.

It hurts me very much that you could not see us together for life. Are we really that different?

My defenses come up to cry that a lot of this was in your head, if you had spoken to me we could have clarified things, perhaps it wasn't really true. But now, I won't know. And I might never know. And I really, really wish I could know. Please, won't you talk to me freely again?

Maybe you are afraid you would have to take back some of your words if we did. And we both know we are both stubborn. But compromise can be found. We've proved that before. Won't you give us a chance to prove that again?

Tell me what is it you really want. Please think it out, and see if it's realistic. Or is that you yourself don't know it, either?

I don't understand how something so sweet, that helped each other grow so much, could have been something you don't want, couldn't live with for life. Sure, it had flaws, like every human that ever lived. And at least on my part, I had become rather complacent/lazy about growing for some time. But how could you have just dumped it like that?? Without even a notification of "Something's wrong, let's try again"???

It really hurts that you could let go of your feelings for me. "How??" is the big question I want to ask. How did you "make adjustments"? What changes have you been making? Have you really dealt with all this or just buried it by not meeting me, not meeting any of the people who know us both?

Logically, as I thought out a couple of posts ago, I think you just took steps to give yourself the time and space you feel you need at this time. So, it is just possible that you might not actually have meant some of the stuff you said. But knowing you, that is unlikely, especially seeing as how you have been editing that email over and over again.

Maybe the answer is a hybrid. The self-search provided the urgency. There were definitely issues that you felt strongly about, valid ones which should have been taken into consideration. But if not for the urgency, maybe you would have taken time to work them out with me. Maybe. Maybe I would have been given a chance to change and have really put effort into it.

So now, what I am waiting on is the confirmation of the reason behind the urgency. But I have not dared to broach it to you yet.

And clarification on the issues - which ones were real? Which ones were perhaps a trick of the perception? If you don't clarify, how am I to know which are real issues that I can work on changing? But you have chosen not to respond to these - maybe you forgot, but I don't know.

And after these are settled - what then? If my surmise about your underlying motivation is right, I know how to react at least. When I get clarification on the issues that were real, I can work on changing, on growing. Both of these mean that I will leave you alone.

But deep down inside, I really want you back. And that is the bit of me dissolving into tears that gush from my eyes, every so often, and will do so for the forseeable future.

Why is it so hard for me to forget you? Is it because I was obsessed with you? I keep questioning myself about that, and yet I can't say that's true. But yet, I know I was not centrally focused on God. Maybe, I was just too focused on taking life easy, and had neglected both God and you in the meantime.

It's hard for me to give up because I had invested so much into the relationship. I'm sorry for having taken things a bit too easy recently. But you have always been good for me. Helping me grow, prodding me to be more disciplined. If I had listened to you more/earlier, would things have turned out different?

Regret, self-blame. Are these from the devil? Did he put any thoughts, doubts into your head? Was he the one that told you to keep mum all these months, so that the doubts could grow and intensify?

I DON'T KNOW!! *cries* And it sucks that I probably never will.

I still don't take back what I said when we first started out. I loved you because of your heart for God. I loved you because you were you; because you were conscientious and gentle and intelligent and humorous and loving and charming and righteous. And I still do, even if you don't know who you are right now. Even if your flaws hurt me and scared me at times (e.g. I'm still scared of your anger. But I have faith in God to bring you to Christlikeness in that area.), I still loved you and was willing to support you in prayer, in presence, in love.

I still stand ready to do that. Won't you accept my support and love?

Dear God, please speak to me. As OC shared, please tell me whether I should accept this test or continue praying for a miracle. If my question is wrong, please teach me the right question to ask. And then, please answer it so clearly that I would have NO reason to doubt what You spoke, and can follow it with all my heart. Please...