More thoughts

Hmm. Some new things to think about.

Thank you for the chat. It was good to feel your concern for me again, a concern born not out of the situation, but just as friends do.

Yesterday you said you "had been learning" that we are always exactly where God wants us to be, and trust that God will bring the best out of the situation and strengthen us. You shared it with me, hoping it would help me find peace in God.

The question that has been lingering in my head today is: "So how does this apply to you?"

I was reminded, through a FB post, that changing you is none of my business but God's. But it's a valid question, isn't it? Did you trust that you were exactly where God wanted you to be, before the breakup? Exactly in the relationship, church, cell group that He had placed you in?

Just a few weeks before, you had expressed gratitude to the church for being your family when you needed it. Did you really mean it?

And, as you yourself recognised (I hope), saying this doesn't make it ok to make any decision without seeking God first. You know very well how easy it is to rationalise "if God doesn't want us to be here / do this, He would've stopped us". God still allows us to make decisions within His will, and there are evidently decisions that He would prefer. The only way to know is to seek Him and wait for His answer.

And so, I still don't think this is something I should just accept, until you and I have both received firm answers from God. But well, maybe it's something you have already accepted. I don't know.

Yet, today I found myself thinking about the ungrateful servant. How the master forgave the servant's debt - forgave it completely! - without asking him to repay it when he could. I mean he could have just gone "Ok fine, I won't throw you into jail, but you still pay me back when you can ok."

And I was led to think about my request for a time to talk it through, and your (possibly unwilling?) acquiescence. Shouldn't I forgive you without insisting that you "pay your debt" of explaining and understanding first? After all, God has already forgiven even the sins I was not aware of committing. Shouldn't I extend you the same grace?

Yet at the same time, I am aware that actions and decisions have consequences, and like nail holes in the fence, do not simply go away. And I have felt all along that the consequences of your decision and actions in breaking up have fallen squarely on me. Were you aware? Did I miss your attempts to make amends?

So, Lord, how do I hold these in tension? My pain will not magically disappear just because I now realise I should forgive him just because You forgave me much more. Yet what does it mean to forgive? Doesn't that mean giving up the right to justice, to answers?

I don't know. I am going to talk to some mentors about this.

But I thank You, once again, for holding me - even yesterday afternoon when the pain got intense and I was afraid I was going crazy. Thank You for the opportunity to cry and to scream with no one around. Please guard my heart and mind with Your peace, Lord Jesus.

And please, guard his too.

Thank You.