Crossroads with finality

Should I, or should I not?

I'd like to decide before I leave. It'll be easier that way.

Reasons why I should:
-I can't envision waiting 2 weeks more. And going through 1st Nov in this state. I can't sit with the uncertainty any longer.
-I have it all worked out in my head already. I just need to find out where the heart is.
-It will end this. All of this. He will have the peace he wants. I will never bother him again. If I were to stay, I can't stop myself from bothering him and making him frustrated. So, better to remove myself than to burden him.
-It doesn't seem to matter to him. He says it does, but really it doesn't. If he understood, he would have not taken the steps he did.
-It is better to do it tonight, when there is no pending appointment, so no one will blame themselves.

Reasons why I should not:
-I will create trouble for cleaners. But I've already decide to write in the suicide note to give them compensation for the trouble.
-I will create trouble for people. People will have to pack my messy room, clear my work, etc. I am sorry about that, but perhaps it is better that I am not around to be messy/incompetent anymore.
-People who love me will be hurt. But somehow this doesn't stop me like it should.
-People who have met or might have met me recently will blame themselves. To them, I can only say: "Please don't. It's not you, it's me."
-I owe a list to somebody, and it might help them help other young people better. I can only say I'm sorry.
-If I do it tonight, I will want to tell him. But he has already been bothered enough by me today. Unless I do it without telling him? A possibility.
-What will this say to people who have thought about this before? I don't know. I can only hope they will come across the verses that spoke to me.

Finally,
-I have received many messages from God not to do so. That I am His, that I should not throw my life away.

It's not that God hasn't spoken to me. It is my fault for turning away, for not letting myself be spoken to by His Word anymore.

Somehow, typing this out calmed me down. Maybe, after all, not tonight.

But I know the shadow that lurks deep in my soul, oh so close to the surface.

So very close to the surface.

I don't think I can last 2 weeks. But it doesn't matter to you, does it?