Rollercoaster.

Last night was bad.

Could not stop thinking about what you meant, still mean, to me.

Watered my pillow with tears.

This morning brought relief
Not of itself,
But by the grace of God.
(hurts but I'll live)

And come to think of it,
Maybe it was good that it happened during this period of time
When reminders of God are all around me
And His Word spoken 3 times a day.

Maybe I'd have collapsed if it had happened in a more "leisurely" period of time.

Yes, I have been hurt, and in my eyes, unfairly.
But that doesn't mean I should hold on to unforgiveness against you.
Just realising that helped me let go
And that was amazingly freeing.

I won't say I'm out of it just yet
But it's a start, and a step.

But today, I was asked when I was getting married.
Twice, by different people.
And it feels unfair all over again
Being the one to have to deal with the questions and the expectations and the explanations
(And even the mini-lecture - well, what makes you think I was willing??)
While you step into new groups of people who never knew about us at all.

And I can't help thinking about the guy
The one who stayed by her side even when it made no sense
And whether he was led by a word from God
Or simply followed his sense of commitment.

What if I get dementia, in future?
Will everybody abandon me, then?
Will I ever be able to tell whether a person is God's choice for me
In less than 5 years?

Maybe it's difficult for you too
I can't tell
But knowing you, I have to assume it is
Right?

Maybe it isn't
But I have no right to be angry about that
Who can dictate the matters of the heart
Though it be deceitful above all else?

Sometimes, like now
One has to smother questions
Cling on to the certainties
And pray for true rest.

Father, into Your hands I commend my spirit.